Think of all the times you’ve experienced some form of mental anguish.
Now ask yourself, why?
What were the common trends, themes, and patterns?
Why We Experience Mental Anguish
Most of our mental anguish stems from not living in alignment with our core values.
And it leads us to feel discontented with life and conflicted.
When we find ourselves in these situations, most of the time it’s because our values are being questioned, or we’re being drawn away from living in true alignment with them.
When Our Values Are Tested
Now, don’t get me wrong, situations that question our values can help us reveal what they truly are.
A Simple Example: Health
Take health, for example. We can all say we value health, but when the going gets tough, and we’re in a situation that questions whether we truly value health, what do we do? How do we act?
Do we say no to eating ultra-processed food when we’re out with friends or family, or do we give in and go to a fast-food restaurant anyway, not necessarily because we even want to, but out of pure social pressure and wanting to fit in?
These are the moments that determine what our true values are.
When our values either clash with each other or come into contact with limiting beliefs and our insecurities, this can result in us not only feeling conflicted and left questioning what to do, which way do we turn, but also experiencing severe mental anguish.
This is worth reminding ourselves:
We all suffer more in our minds than we do in reality.
And this is definitely one of those cases.
When Values Clash With Insecurities
But what do I mean by when our values either clash with each other or meet our insecurities?
Let’s say we value agency, responsibility, accountability, and personal choice. Those types of values.
And alongside this, we have a hard time accepting help from anyone, as we pride ourselves on being independent, because we don’t want to rely on anyone, and it makes us feel capable and overall… good (at least in the short term).
This can most definitely clash with situations that arise throughout life where people want to be there for us and help us, especially friends, family, and loved ones.
Maybe we’re going through a tricky situation, and instead of reaching out and asking for help, we push through and deal with it by ourselves.
In the extremes, this isn’t only very naïve, where we can often end up shooting ourselves in the foot, but it’s also unhealthy and highlights where we have potential insecurities.
It’s in these situations, when deciding whether we accept this person’s help or push through because we pride ourselves on and value A, B, and C, we will likely experience some form of mental anguish when faced with that decision.
Sure, if we push through, we’re demonstrating to ourselves that we do actually value what we say we do and aren’t only talking a good game.
The caveat here is that extremes matter. Are we really living from our core values, or from insecurity masquerading as what we say we value?
At the end of the day, our values are a compass to help us make decisions and choices as we go about navigating this thing called life.
They’re meant to help us live our most authentic life possible, guiding us to some sort of inner peace and contentment throughout our lives.
If they’re not, if they’re leading us down an unhealthy path of more anguish, stress, and discontentment, then maybe a value realignment is required.
This example was how our values can meet our insecurities, which we all have to varying degrees, and lead to unhealthy consequences.
Our values can also clash with one another, leading to experiencing similar states of anguish.
Why We Need a Values Hierarchy
This is one reason why we have a values hierarchy, to help us navigate life from the single most important priority down to important but less significant values.
Crafting our own values hierarchy list is a good step in seeing all of our values out on paper and ranking them accordingly.
Sure, living them in the real world is the most important thing. However, once they’re out on paper, we’re beginning to turn the un/subconscious, which most of this is, into the conscious, a vital step in living a values-driven life.
Then we can begin optimising life for the top three to five highest values, which helps to avoid values clashing with each other because we’re laser-focused on the few that mean the most to us.
The more values we have, the greater the likelihood of them clashing. There’s just too much we’re prioritising.
A Word of Warning When Identifying Values
A word of warning…
It can be a challenge in itself to identify and then rank our core values, especially if we have an extensive list, which is why whittling values down is an important step.
If everything is a core value, then nothing is really a priority.
If we stand for nothing, we will fall for everything.
The Bottom Line
The bottom line here is this:
Craft a core values list, then let it guide our lives.
Become super conscious and intentional of the top three to five values that we determine are most important to us, and optimise for those.
That doesn’t mean our other values don’t matter; they do. But it means we’re optimising for the few values that mean the most. They matter more, and that’s okay.
What I’ve found is that by optimising for the highest-priority values, it can have a trickle-down effect, and we can end up being in alignment with more of our values, not less, by focusing where it matters most.
Also, this doesn’t mean that we will never experience mental anguish again…
It means that we lower the frequency and intensity of when we do.
Life by design is meant to test us and help us reveal what our true values are.
Unfortunately, mental anguish and feeling conflicted are often passengers that come along for the ride. They are signals to guide us that we’re not living in alignment with our core values and help us course-correct, like a good passenger or co-pilot.
It’s how they feel, unpleasant, what we have the issue with. But like exercise or going to the gym, it’s through the unpleasantness that we grow and come out stronger, better, wiser, etc., on the other side.
In other words, if we’re experiencing discontent, stop and take a look at our core values. Do a value realignment and see where we are, and aren’t, living in alignment with the things we say we value the most.
This could look like changing the priority of our values or identifying something new that we truly value but haven’t made conscious and intentional before.
Values Alignment Is an Ongoing Process
It’s worth stating that this isn’t a one-and-done process. It’s an iteration throughout our lives as we grow, reach new milestones, and evolve.
Maybe this is one of those moments for you. A moment to stop, pause, and reflect on what matters to you the most, especially if you’ve been experiencing a lot of discontent, mental anguish, and feeling conflicted.
Our values are a guide to help us navigate life, but they must be made conscious and intentional to truly help and serve us.
Use this as a catalyst to consider what your true values are and do a value realignment.
This will, at the very least, help remind you what matters most to you so you can live your most authentic life possible.
Reminders
1. If we stand for nothing, we will fall for everything.
Without clearly defined core values, we end up coasting through life, becoming part of other people’s priorities and plans.
This is why values matter. They act as our internal compass.
Without them, the world decides our direction for us.
2. We all suffer more in our minds than we do in reality.
Much of our anguish comes from the stories we tell ourselves, most of which are pure fantasy.
When we pause and examine reality for what it really is, the situation is often far less catastrophic than our wildest thoughts suggest.
Clarity emerges when we separate feelings from facts and both from our individual interpretation.
3. If everything is a core value, then nothing is really a priority.
Our core values only guide decisions when they are prioritised. When we try to optimise for everything, it just leads to conflict and overwhelm.
Focus on the few values that matter most to you.