There’s a growing conversation online about whether we’re becoming too independent as a society.
Take lone working, for example, and the growing number of people becoming freelancers and one-person teams, working from their home office, kitchen table, or even the couch in their city apartment, disconnected from fellow humans.
The Rise of Independence in Modern Life
Some are fans of it and push the message, while others are against it, arguing that throughout human history, we’ve always been dependent on each other to a certain degree.
I think there’s some confusion here. Let me explain…
I value independence, which, for me, means the ability to do things in life without having to rely on or get permission from anyone else.
In other words, to be a self-starter and able to stand on our own two feet. I think this is very important.
Think of it like this: why would we want to give our freedom or sense of agency away to someone else?
Maybe I’m missing something, because I don’t see how this could lead to living our best lives possible.
Maybe that’s my control-freak side uncovering itself 😂 but either way, I believe being able to stand on our own two feet is vitally important, and this is what independence means to me!
Where We Confuse Dependence with Connection
Where the confusion comes in is with dependence, the act of relying on others, and confusing it with connection!
Dependence and connection are two very different things.
For me, dependence is, as stated, the act of relying on others or asking for permission to get anything done. It takes away our agency and sense of freedom because we always need other people to do things for us.
Just imagine a world like this… 😬
I think it would lead to a society with low self-worth and self-esteem, where the vast majority of people lack the self-confidence to go and do anything for themselves. At least in my experience, all of these are mostly built through doing hard things and overcoming the challenges that life throws at us, proving to ourselves that we are more than capable!
They’re built through building ourselves up and being independent people.
Why Independence Still Matters
It’s how we cultivate important character traits such as grit, determination, and perseverance. And without these traits, I think we become weaker when dealing with life’s inevitable challenges, not stronger.
Being independent, therefore, has a lot of value and is key to living our best lives possible.
However…
That doesn’t mean it has to come at the cost of connection!
Which, if you don’t know by now, is vital for longevity and living a long, fulfilling, joyful life.
And I think this is what people are pointing to when they talk about us losing our sense of dependence on each other.
So on one hand, we may not need each other; on the other, we do, just in different contexts. And context matters!
Also, this isn’t to say not to ask for help or support.
In fact, it’s often through asking for help and support that we connect most deeply with others, leading to the best relationships. There’s something about going through tough challenges, difficulties, and hard times together that creates strong bonds, and this shouldn’t be underestimated.
Connection and asking for help or support, at least in my mind, have very little to do with being dependent on others; they’re different!
One, alongside love and belonging, is a basic human need. The other often keeps us stuck. I’ll leave it up to you to decide which falls where.
My point being: independence isn’t bad. Dependence isn’t the goal, connection is.
It’s easy to mistake the two when we hear conversations, especially online, about these topics and think that we need to become more dependent.
That’s not the antidote, at least, not in my mind.
The antidote is to get back to being more human by carving out more time to connect with our friends, family, and loved ones, and by making connection a higher priority than it currently is for many of us.
This priority will vary depending on our life experiences and what we value on an individual level. I’m not suggesting that any of us must force ourselves to connect with a distant family member we may not get on with and feel bad for not doing so…
What I am suggesting is that connection is a basic human need. And, no matter how much of an introvert or socially inept person we think we are, we all need some form of human connection to thrive.
We can be independent people, able to do things for ourselves and stand on our own two feet, without sacrificing connection with others.
Finding Balance Between Independence and Connection
Is too much independence a bad thing?
I try not to label things as simply good or bad…
What I will say is that too much of most things in life tips us out of balance, and this is where problems arise, especially if that imbalance lasts for a prolonged period.
The bottom line? 🤔
To honour (and build) our independence is important and matters, while also allowing time for connection and asking for help and support when required. Neither makes us a bad person or weak. They’re both part of what’s required to navigate this thing called life and live our best lives possible.
Reminders
1. Independence and connection are the end goals.
Independence without connection leads to isolation. Connection without independence leads to dependence. Both require us to find our middle ground and live from there.
2. Connect daily.
Connection makes us stronger, not weaker and asking for help or sharing struggles doesn’t take away our strength. Instead, it deepens trust, empathy, and belonging. Aim to connect with a family member, friend, or loved one once a day, which could be anything from a quick, spontaneous text or a 5-minute phone call.
3. Strive for balance.
Life is a constant dance. True balance isn’t a fixed destination but the journey of navigating ups and downs with awareness and playfulness. It’s accepting that things will tip in and out of balance, and approaching it all with curiosity rather than frustration.