There are lots of challenges to being a people pleaser.
One of them is sitting on the fence. Indecisiveness.
Someone asks…
Would you like to go to the cinema or bowling?
A simple question, wouldn’t you agree?
The people pleaser replies…
“I don’t mind.”
“Or it’s up to you.”
“Or either.”
Or any other response where a decision isn’t actually made.
And all out of fear of making the so-called “wrong decision” and not pleasing the other person or people involved.
The people pleaser is an overthinker.
With a whirlwind of thoughts like:
What if they want to go to the cinema but I choose bowling, but they might want to go bowling, or maybe they want to do both, or maybe they don’t want to do either, but think that I do.
And so it goes on…
Our Thoughts Are Not Other People’s Thoughts
When in reality, our thoughts are our thoughts, not anybody else’s.
And the best way to get an insight into what someone else might be thinking or feeling is to ask them.
I know.
Shock horror!
But the people pleaser and overthinker doesn’t realise this.
Instead, they stay in their own head, repeating the same ceaseless thoughts over and over again.
Let’s say that we don’t actually mind…
Cinema or bowling.
Either is fine.
We genuinely don’t have a preference.
Instead of sitting on the fence, I think the best approach is to be honest.
Share that they’re both good options.
Something like:
“I like the cinema because we’d get to chill, and there are a couple of good films on at the moment. Bowling, on the other hand… well, I haven’t done that in a while, so it could be good to see if I’ve still got it. What do you think? Are you leaning towards one or the other?”
My point being: so often we sit on the fence.
Going around in circles, with no one being able to make a decision.
And why?
For fear of making the so-called “wrong decision” and letting others down.
If we choose the cinema, but it turns out they wanted to go bowling, then we’d feel bad.
So we think, and this is all subconscious, by the way, that it’s better to sit on the fence, and eventually they will decide, which we will just go along with.
And because they’ve decided, we can’t let them down.
All is good.
The Cost of People Pleasing
We fail to recognise that while this is a protection mechanism, it’s not without its costs.
One of which is that we neglect ourselves.
We put our desires, preferences, and the things we want to do on the back burner, never being truly honest or open.
Here’s the thing: if we can’t be truly honest with ourselves, how can we be truly honest with others?
We can’t.
And another thing: people pleasing is an illusion.
It may not look like it in the moment when we get the approval we’re seeking.
But in reality, we can’t please everyone, all of the time. It’s not possible. We’re always going to let someone down.
Sad, but true.
A Better Alternative: Win-Win Solutions
Instead, I’ve found that creating win-win solutions and being as honest and open as possible is a good alternative.
Now, this isn’t a walk in the park, because sometimes we don’t feel we can be honest with the people we’re with or the environment we’re in.
This is all to do with how safe we feel. If we don’t feel safe, like if we’re honest, there’s the potential for blowback, we’re not going to open up.
This then becomes our default response, and we stay closed off, never showing our true selves.
As you can probably imagine, this hinders our connection with others.
And that’s where we tend to people-please, as we get a false sense of connection.
People pleasing isn’t true connection. It’s false.
Creating win-win situations might sound like people pleasing, but I think it’s different.
In the example above, it could look like honestly sharing how you feel about both the cinema and bowling.
And let’s say the cinema is chosen for today. Part of the process would be agreeing to go bowling next time.
That way, everyone “wins”. And while the person or people who wanted bowling today might be a bit disappointed, the thing they wanted to do hasn’t been completely pushed to one side.
This is what I strive for.
But even this doesn’t always happen. And that’s okay. That’s life.
Making it our intention, combined with honesty and openness, is at least a better approach than sitting on the fence, unable to make decisions for fear of not pleasing others and making the “wrong decision”.
Final Reflections From a Recovering People Pleaser
And all of this is coming from a people pleaser, someone who wants to make others “happy” and not let them down.
Yes, out of fear that I’m yet to uncover…
And yes, out of the desire to be accepted, loved, or liked, you name it!
But also because seeing others happy is just better. Don’t you think?
The challenge is that it’s a game we’re never going to win.
For the truths stated earlier, we’re always going to let someone down, not on purpose, but because we can’t please everyone all of the time.
That doesn’t mean it’s not a game worth playing.
It just means we have to work extra hard not to tie our self-worth and self-esteem to being a people pleaser, and instead focus on developing our character, who we are, including being honest and open, no matter what.
This, combined with good intentions and seeking win-win situations, is one way through, and the best alternative to people pleasing that I’ve found to date.
TL;DR:
Be open. Be honest. Don’t sit on the fence. People pleasing is an illusion. Strive for win-win situations instead.
Reminders
1. People pleasing is an illusion.
Approval feels good in the moment, but it’s fleeting and conditional. True connection comes from honesty, not from trying to keep everyone happy.
2. Our thoughts are our thoughts, not anyone else’s.
Most of what we worry about exists only in our heads. Assumptions create anxiety; communication creates connection and clarity.
3. Don’t sit on the fence; be honest with oneself and others.
If we can’t be honest with ourselves, how can we be honest with others? Self-honesty is the foundation of real connection. When we hide our preferences, feelings, or needs, we disconnect from ourselves and, therefore, others. Honesty, even without certainty, is better than silence or avoidance.