The language we use is a powerful insight into the relationship we have with, and how we view, ourselves. It’s a great indicator of our overall self-esteem, including self-confidence, image and self-worth.
Not only that, it affects all of our relationships more than we may realise, because all relationships start with the relationship we have with ourselves.
There is a symbiotic relationship here, and it’s only by becoming conscious of our language and questioning whether it’s serving us or not that we can begin to see the impact it’s having in our lives and how it’s affecting how we show up in the world.
An example I can draw on from my own life is how, by changing some of the language and vocabulary I use, I now see and show up differently, both in my relationships and in the world at large.
Before diving into them, it’s important to mention that this is not an overnight process because, like most things that come down to human behaviour and understanding why we do the things we do, including the language we use, they’re habitual patterns we’ve developed. Changing our habits isn’t easy. They require time, effort and conscious practice.
It’s also wise to remember that at times we’re going to fall, meaning that we’re going to mess up and not do what we aspire to do, even with all the best intentions in the world. I’m no different, and with the following vocabulary changes I share with you below, I sometimes revert to old language patterns.
1. Practical Over Realistic
I’m passionate about this one because nearly every invention that surrounds us today was once deemed impossible, crazy, or unrealistic, and their inventors were ostracised for just coming up with the idea and thinking that it was possible.
I’m talking about inventions like the light bulb, the car, or the mobile phone, all of which, if we look back through human history, were once deemed unrealistic.
This, at least in my mind, raises the question: what is unrealistic?
Since beginning to think through these lines, I believe a much better alternative we can use instead of realistic or unrealistic is practical.
Let me give you an example…
Is it realistic or unrealistic to build a million-dollar company within twelve months? Or is it just not that practical, depending on our starting point?
I think it may just not be that practical, depending on our experience, tools, and the resources we have available.
Yet, many would call that unrealistic.
If we’ve done it before, trodden that path, learned the lessons and could do it again, maybe in a fraction of the time.
So, while it might not be that practical, it doesn’t mean it’s unrealistic.
When we start changing our language in this way, and arguably more importantly, viewing life in terms of practicality rather than whether something is realistic or unrealistic, we start to see more possibilities and understand that most things can be done.
They just depend on a practical timeline, our starting point, and whether we need to gather more of the right skills, resources, or knowledge, or meet the right people, to help bring the idea to life.
This is one subtle change that I’ve made to my vocabulary (and overall perspective) that has helped me with goal setting and vision casting, not just in my business aspirations but in my entire life.
Essentially, a lot of things are possible. They just might not be practical in the timeline we’ve given ourselves. Remember this one when you’re dreaming big!
2. Challenges Over Problems
This one is a really big deal because “problems” and “issues” are an inevitable part of life and what it means to be human. However, viewing them as problems rather than challenges gives off vastly different energy, one that I think is caught up in a victimhood mentality that, in my experience, never leads to positive outcomes, even if we have been a victim.
Therefore, starting to change how we talk about our problems will change how we view them, hopefully, more as challenges that we can overcome, which will help to propel our personal growth and unfoldment. This is far more empowering than the victim mentality.
Remember, a challenge is something that can fuel us to test our abilities, help us to grow, and serve as a goal to focus on and strive towards.
Think of it like this: rise to your challenges, don’t fall to your problems.
This is, in my experience, a healthier way of navigating life that develops our character and helps us to grow as a person. And surely, that’s one of the purposes of life. Beyond that, just viewing situations in this way helps us to feel and be more optimistic about the future, and I think for this reason alone, it’s most definitely worth it.
3. The Conscious Use of Can’t and No (with the aim to eliminate them)
This may divide opinion, but there is growing evidence of the long-term mental well-being impacts and damage to a child’s self-esteem if all they hear throughout their childhood is: you can’t do that, no, stop, or any of these words that so often put them down.
These impacts last with us throughout adolescence into adulthood, often amplifying. As a society, we end up with insecure, anxious, depressed, unhappy, low self-esteem and low self-worth adults.
I think we can all agree that’s not ideal, and doesn’t lead to a thriving society.
Context matters here, and a balance has to be struck because allowing children to run wild isn’t the solution either. While I’m not yet a parent, at the time of writing, and don’t plan to be for a long time, I think an alternative approach to defaulting to can’t or no, often without consciously thinking about it, because a hundred things are going on at the same time, would be to explain decisions and involve them when it’s appropriate.
I think older generations may have a hard time here, due to their life experiences, and the belief that they don’t have to explain themselves to their children or younger generations, because, and I quote… “they are the parent” or “elder” and this isn’t a sign of respect.
And while I agree it’s right to be respectful to our elders, I also question this belief, which I think is limiting. How are younger generations meant to learn and grow without feedback and communication, of which this is a part?
Let’s put this to the test and take health, which is a passion of mine, as an example:
Kids often want the sweet treats, such as ice cream or the latest chocolate bar to hit the shelves, and many parents find it hard to say no, despite these “foods” not being good for health.
But, if you were adamant about not giving in because you consciously realise the negative health consequences, how would you navigate this without constantly saying… no!
Well, putting my future parenting to the test, my future children wouldn’t eat these types of “foods”, and when they say, “Daddy, I want that [insert name of chocolate bar]”, there is going to be a conversation about why this chocolate bar isn’t an option, rather than just defaulting to: no, you can’t have that.
This helps kids understand that it’s not about them and they haven’t done anything wrong. As Dr Gabor Maté said on a podcast I was listening to, children are narcissistic; in other words, they think everything is about them. So, while you might be saying no to the chocolate bar, they perceive that as something they have done wrong, or that you are saying no to them.
That’s why I think it’s important we start to communicate more with our children and younger generations. They will become adults, and to my point earlier, if we keep on the trajectory we are on, they will be insecure adults with low self-esteem and self-worth.
This touches on personal and family values, and the whole art of communication, of which language is a massive part.
And I recognise that it is more difficult than the theoretical situation I’ve painted here.
It is, however, an example of how we can alternatively approach similar situations, gradually moving away from default responses such as can’t and no.
Maybe it’s not entirely practical to completely eliminate these words from our vocabulary.
But being aware of the massive impact they can have on our self-image, worth and self-esteem, especially throughout childhood, but also as adults, is important if we want to grow and create a better society in the future, with more confident, stronger, and resilient human beings.
Becoming Aware of Your Language Patterns
These are just three changes that I’ve made to my language patterns, which affect my self-talk and how I communicate with others. And while there are many, many more like this, such as the inclusion of the word “yet”, especially when I’m navigating limiting beliefs and pursuing goals, which research has supported, I hope you can start to see the benefits of the language we use and how it affects us in more ways than one.
My recommendation is to start to become conscious of the language you use and see if any emerging patterns arise, which there most likely will be. Our life is full of patterns, not just in this area.
The art is becoming aware of them, and then asking the question: Are these patterns serving me or not?
This is part of a bigger personal growth journey and what it means to live consciously. It’s not linear, it will have its ups and downs, and becoming more aware of our language patterns and how we communicate is part of this path we are on. Let’s embrace it 🙂
Reminders
1. See possibilities, not limits.
When we shift our focus from whether something is realistic to whether it is practical, with the right time, tools, and people, we begin to see that most things are possible.
2. Rise to challenges, don’t fall to problems.
Viewing obstacles as challenges strengthens our mindset, builds resilience and empowers us to grow rather than remaining stuck in victimhood.
3. Choose words that lift, not limit.
Our language shapes identity. Replace habitual “can’t” and “no” with conscious communication that explains, empowers and propels personal growth.