Self-conscious…
What does it mean to be self-conscious?
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, self-conscious means:
nervous or uncomfortable because you are worried about what people think about you or your actions.
In other words, I like to define it as being in a state where we’re so wrapped up in our own heads, worrying and thinking about ourselves.
This state is often rooted in our insecurities, which we all have to varying degrees, and is linked with having low self-esteem.
This has led me to realise that I’m a self-conscious person. And there are a few reasons why.
The Evolutionary Desire to Fit In
One is a tug of war between wanting to fit in socially and wanting to be true to myself.
This is a challenge I’ve had for most of my young adult life. And maybe for good reason, too.
The desire to fit in is one that I’m realising is an evolutionary trait. At the end of the day, we’re social creatures (even if you’re an introvert like me 😉). And well, 2000 years ago, if we weren’t accepted as part of a tribe, we wouldn’t have survived for very long.
Maybe not that much has changed…
The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that it’s community and our social connections that help us live longer, happier, more joyful lives.
Essentially, community and the quality of our social connections matter!
So, wanting to “fit in” doesn’t seem as crazy as it may sound. However, it can also cause a lot of distress, anxiety, worry, and unhappiness, the opposite of what this study found, if we are self-conscious and aren’t around the right people for us.
It’s hard to be ourselves, and as my acupuncturist says, “to just do you”, when you are self-conscious, worried about how others will see you, or simply don’t have the right people around you.
Look, sure, we all have a role to play. We always do.
And part of that role is not allowing our insecurities to get the best of us.
Why Our Thoughts Aren’t Reality
Here’s what I’ve learned about this: our insecurities are deep worries that are experienced as repeated thoughts.
We think Joe will think we’re weird if we do A, B, and C, or Chris could do this if we’re open about X, Y, and Z, when in reality, all of these thoughts are just thoughts. They aren’t reality or the truth. Furthermore, they are our thoughts, not theirs.
Someone I once interviewed on my podcast told me…
We worry too much about what other people will think about us when, in reality, these thoughts are our thoughts, not theirs.
This has stuck with me and points to a fundamental truth: we don’t truly know what others think because we are not in their heads.
And so our minds come up with all sorts of explanations, scenarios, and, as I like to call it, mental chatter, which can feel overwhelming, to say the least.
You may not believe me because it doesn’t feel like it when we are in these states, worrying and experiencing loud mental chatter, but it may be for good reason too…
To keep us safe!
Mental Chatter and the Old “Software” of Our Biology
Here’s the thing…
Our bodies are designed to keep us alive.
Throughout our evolution, our bodies have developed numerous systems, from our immune system to our nervous system and beyond, to protect us from all kinds of threats.
These systems work together, often automatically, to maintain balance (homeostasis) and initiate our responses to keep us safe and alive.
However, in the modern world and all the challenges that come with it, there aren’t the same threats there used to be. The issue, though, is that our biology hasn’t caught up.
Think of it like this:
Our biology is running on old software that it has been for thousands of years.
So, no wonder we experience mental chatter and a loud, racing mind full of worries.
The challenge isn’t that we experience them. The challenge is when they run wild, which they often do, it causes stress, dis-ease, anxiety, and angst, all of which affect us in multiple ways.
If we put the health effects to one side, just being in these states is not a very nice way to experience life.
They disrupt our mental peace, sanity, and daily experience.
Working With, Not Against, Our Biology
So what’s the answer?
I’m sorry to say that the answer isn’t a short-term fix.
And I do believe we can’t outdo our biology. Instead, we have to learn to work with it.
When it comes to our minds, and bringing this back full circle, when we have self-conscious and esteem issues, the answer lies in conscious personal growth and, potentially, spiritual practice, if that’s your thing!
The Power of Conscious Personal Growth
Basically, it lies in working on yourself consciously and embarking on your self-work journey, one that will have many ups, downs, and in-betweens.
This journey is not a linear process, but it is the only long-term strategy that I’ve found to date that, over time, will help to undo a lot of the social conditioning and programming that shape our view of ourselves, others, and the world around us.
It’s by embarking on this journey that we can begin the process of rewiring our belief systems and understanding more about who we really are and why we do what we do.
A Personal Journey of Self-Consciousness
This is the journey I am on, where I discovered that I’m a self-conscious person, especially in social situations, where, as explained before, I face this tug of war between wanting to walk my own path and wanting to fit in.
It’s a hard one to navigate, and like all of us, I’m doing the best I can based on my level of consciousness and the tools I have available in my toolbox.
The great thing about embarking on our conscious personal growth journey is that we get to learn more tools and add them to our toolbox to help us navigate these situations and this thing called life.
That’s why I’m a huge advocate of personal growth and spiritual practice, and I call for you to join me on this journey if you’re yet to embark on it, consciously, I may add!
The difference between conscious personal growth and “unconscious” personal growth, if we can call it that, is that you’re not just reading a book or listening to a podcast because the influencer you follow told you to.
No. Instead, you’re investing in resources and taking actions that actually move the needle in your journey and life.
The truth is, we’re all on a different journey. And while similarities may occur and recommendations can be helpful, at the end of the day, whether it’s a book, podcast, strategy, or approach, they may or may not resonate with and help you.
Much like our health, a personalised approach to our personal and spiritual growth is the way that will make the most difference and help us all to grow and become more of who we truly are.
So, whether you’re like me or not and have challenges with being a tad too self-conscious, the only long-term and most effective strategy is to start working on yourself.
There will be ups and downs. Growth will not be linear. But, at the end of the day, it’ll all be worth it and will be the greatest investment you will ever make!
Why Investing in Yourself Is the Best Investment
That’s not just my opinion, but the wise words of some of the world’s greatest minds. Warren Buffett, for example, said:
“The best investment you can make is an investment in yourself. The more you learn, the more you’ll earn.”
Maybe there’s profound wisdom there that we can all take on board and start working on ourselves, whatever that looks like for us, if we’re not already, starting today.
Key Takeaways on Self-Consciousness and Personal Growth
- The Desire to Fit In Is Natural: Your urge to be accepted is an evolutionary trait. This can cause a conflict between being true to yourself and wanting to belong, which often fuels feelings of self-consciousness.
- Your Worries Are Not Reality: The anxious thoughts you have about what others think are projections of your own insecurities. They are your thoughts, not theirs, and you cannot truly know what is going on in someone else’s mind.
- Your Biology Runs on Old Software: Your body’s stress response is designed for ancient physical threats, not modern social situations. This mismatch is why your mind can fill with so much mental chatter and worry in everyday life.
- Work With Your Biology Through Growth: The most effective long-term solution to reduce self-consciousness is to work with your biology, not against it. This involves a conscious personal growth process to rewire your beliefs and better understand yourself.
- Personal Growth Is a Worthwhile Investment: Investing time and effort into your personal development is the best investment you can make. It is a non-linear path with ups and downs, but it ultimately leads to a more authentic and peaceful life.
FAQs for Self-Conscious? Why Personal Growth Is the Key to Worrying Less
Why do I feel so self-conscious in social situations?
Feeling self-conscious often stems from a natural, evolutionary desire to fit in and be accepted by a group. This can create an internal conflict between being your authentic self and worrying about how others perceive you, leading to anxiety and discomfort in social settings.
Are my thoughts about what others think of me true?
Not necessarily. The article suggests that what you worry others are thinking is usually a reflection of your own insecurities and fears. These are your thoughts, not theirs. Since you can’t be inside their head, it’s helpful to recognise this mental chatter for what it is: just thoughts, not facts.
What does it mean that my biology is running on ‘old software’?
This is an analogy to explain that your body’s fight-or-flight response is wired for ancient dangers, like predators. In the modern world, this system can be triggered by social pressures, causing stress and anxiety even when there is no physical threat. Your biological responses haven’t fully adapted to today’s challenges.
Is there a quick fix for feeling less self-conscious?
There isn’t a quick fix. The most effective, long-term approach is conscious personal growth. This involves actively working on yourself to understand your beliefs, challenge your conditioning, and build self-esteem over time. It’s a process, not a destination.
How can I start my personal growth process?
You can begin by choosing resources and actions that genuinely resonate with you, rather than just following trends. This could be reading a specific book, listening to a podcast that speaks to your situation, or trying a new practice. The key is to take a personalised approach because what works for one person may not work for you.
