Life unfolds in mysterious ways. Things happen. How we choose to respond or react is what matters.
That’s not to discard responsibility. Or to say we have no influence.
The Illusion of Control
It is to say we have less control than we think we do, and where we think we have control is often an illusion.
But that doesn’t stop us seeking it, craving it even, for control is what makes us feel safe, secure, powerful, even like we have dominion over our lives and can make things happen.
Control vs Agency
And sure, we can. But this isn’t control. It’s agency. And agency is about choice, not control.
Agency is about choosing our response when life happens and things unfold, not needing to control the event or outcome.
It’s about realising that with each passing moment, we have the power to choose what we do, how we show up, and who to be.
The challenge is that if we don’t turn the unconscious, what most of this is, into the conscious, our lives run on autopilot. What we do, how we show up, and who we are stay on repeat, whether we like it or not.
Why We Search for Reasons
We crave answers or reasons for why things happen. Sometimes they reveal themselves sooner than others. And sometimes we may never know, as things just happen. This is the mystery of life.
When Questioning Becomes Harmful
Trying to figure out why can often lead us down a never-ending spiral of questioning ourselves, our lives, and the world around us. While questioning can be helpful, and I’m an advocate for it, without it, we can’t make the unconscious conscious. Like anything, when taken to extremes, it’s unhelpful and unhealthy, to say the least, and can often make us feel like we’re going insane.
The Power of Surrender
All of this is to say that the art of knowing when to surrender to what is, to know when to let go, doesn’t only require strength and faith that, no matter what, we will be okay, but is also an extremely powerful act.
We don’t typically associate power with surrender, mistaking power for force and control. They aren’t the same, and if life continues to teach me one thing, it is this:
Nothing lasts forever, good times or bad.
They’re all temporary.
We don’t control them. And rather than dwelling on them, or living in a false sense of control, we surrender to them, remain adaptable to change, and focus our time, energy, and attention on the main thing we can “control”:
How we choose to respond or react to the things that happen.
Skills and Practices for Presence
This requires skills and practice.
Skills like:
- Self-regulation
- Emotional awareness
- Emotional insight
- Emotional control
And practices that help us cultivate more mindfulness and return us to the present moment.
Practices like:
- Meditation (in all its different shapes and forms)
- Breathwork
- Journalling
Anything that gets us out of our minds and into our bodies, because that’s where the present moment is.
The present moment isn’t in our minds. It’s in our bodies.
And when we’re fully present in our bodies, the need for control, seeking and craving it, evaporates quicker than water turning into vapour to form clouds in the sky.
The best way to learn this for ourselves is to experience it.
To meditate for five to ten minutes, try box breathing, or get a journal and start writing.
Living Without the Need for Control
When we do, and we find the best practice(s) for ourselves, we begin to experience what it feels like to be fully present, to live in the here and now, and to surrender to what is.
We become less swayed by life’s ups and downs and begin to experience what it feels like to live without needing control, trusting that no matter what happens, we will be okay.
We develop more strength, faith, and resilience, and begin to see more truths for ourselves, such as:
Nothing is permanent; it’s all temporary.
We’ve all experienced good and bad times in the past, and we will again in the future.
We’re still here to tell the tale, and have grown as a result (hopefully).
Life unfolds, and things happen. Sometimes the reasons are clear to see. Sometimes they aren’t so clear. And sometimes there are none at all.
But rather than being shaken by this uncomfortable truth, we embrace it and learn to enjoy living in the mystery of life.
This isn’t a worldview that comes easily.
It’s a lifelong practice, developed one day at a time until it’s embodied.
Even then, some days, much like life itself, we’re going to fall from grace. When we do, we get back up and go again, learning and growing along the way.
Choosing Peace in an Uncertain World
What’s the alternative?
To live in a false sense of control, an illusion that plagues us throughout our entire lives.
Or to always need an answer or reason for why something happened, never resting until we know.
No, thank you.
True peace and contentment aren’t reached this way.
They’re reached through the chaos of life, a lesson I’ve learned the hard way and continue to learn every day.
It’s by applying the lessons, truths, skills, and practices shared here that we begin to learn this for ourselves and accept the uncomfortable truth that:
Life unfolds in mysterious ways. Things happen, often for no reason at all. How we choose to respond or react is what matters.
Reminders
1. Agency is about choice, not control.
Life will unfold how it unfolds. We can’t stop it. Our power isn’t found in forcing outcomes, but in choosing how we respond when things happen.
2. Nothing lasts forever, good times or bad.
Every moment is temporary. The good and the bad. Remembering this truth can help us appreciate the highs and push through the lows without clinging to them or being in states of despair for too long.
3. How we choose to respond matters more than what happens.
The events that happen in our lives shape us far less than our reactions to them. Conscious responses instead of emotional outbursts build resilience, peace, and self-trust.