There are lots of challenges to being a people pleaser.
One of them is sitting on the fence. Indecisiveness.
Someone asks…
Would you like to go to the cinema or bowling?
A simple question, wouldn’t you agree?
The people pleaser replies…
“I don’t mind.”
“Or it’s up to you.”
“Or either.”
Or any other response where a decision isn’t actually made.
And all out of fear of making the so-called “wrong decision” and not pleasing the other person or people involved.
The people pleaser is an overthinker.
With a whirlwind of thoughts like:
What if they want to go to the cinema but I choose bowling, but they might want to go bowling, or maybe they want to do both, or maybe they don’t want to do either, but think that I do.
And so it goes on…
Our Thoughts Are Not Other People’s Thoughts
When in reality, our thoughts are our thoughts, not anybody else’s.
And the best way to get an insight into what someone else might be thinking or feeling is to ask them.
I know.
Shock horror!
But the people pleaser and overthinker doesn’t realise this.
Instead, they stay in their own head, repeating the same ceaseless thoughts over and over again.
Let’s say that we don’t actually mind…
Cinema or bowling.
Either is fine.
We genuinely don’t have a preference.
Instead of sitting on the fence, I think the best approach is to be honest.
Share that they’re both good options.
Something like:
“I like the cinema because we’d get to chill, and there are a couple of good films on at the moment. Bowling, on the other hand… well, I haven’t done that in a while, so it could be good to see if I’ve still got it. What do you think? Are you leaning towards one or the other?”
My point being: so often we sit on the fence.
Going around in circles, with no one being able to make a decision.
And why?
For fear of making the so-called “wrong decision” and letting others down.
If we choose the cinema, but it turns out they wanted to go bowling, then we’d feel bad.
So we think, and this is all subconscious, by the way, that it’s better to sit on the fence, and eventually they will decide, which we will just go along with.
And because they’ve decided, we can’t let them down.
All is good.
The Cost of People Pleasing
We fail to recognise that while this is a protection mechanism, it’s not without its costs.
One of which is that we neglect ourselves.
We put our desires, preferences, and the things we want to do on the back burner, never being truly honest or open.
Here’s the thing: if we can’t be truly honest with ourselves, how can we be truly honest with others?
We can’t.
And another thing: people pleasing is an illusion.
It may not look like it in the moment when we get the approval we’re seeking.
But in reality, we can’t please everyone, all of the time. It’s not possible. We’re always going to let someone down.
Sad, but true.
A Better Alternative: Win-Win Solutions
Instead, I’ve found that creating win-win solutions and being as honest and open as possible is a good alternative.
Now, this isn’t a walk in the park, because sometimes we don’t feel we can be honest with the people we’re with or the environment we’re in.
This is all to do with how safe we feel. If we don’t feel safe, like if we’re honest, there’s the potential for blowback, we’re not going to open up.
This then becomes our default response, and we stay closed off, never showing our true selves.
As you can probably imagine, this hinders our connection with others.
And that’s where we tend to people-please, as we get a false sense of connection.
People pleasing isn’t true connection. It’s false.
Creating win-win situations might sound like people pleasing, but I think it’s different.
In the example above, it could look like honestly sharing how you feel about both the cinema and bowling.
And let’s say the cinema is chosen for today. Part of the process would be agreeing to go bowling next time.
That way, everyone “wins”. And while the person or people who wanted bowling today might be a bit disappointed, the thing they wanted to do hasn’t been completely pushed to one side.
This is what I strive for.
But even this doesn’t always happen. And that’s okay. That’s life.
Making it our intention, combined with honesty and openness, is at least a better approach than sitting on the fence, unable to make decisions for fear of not pleasing others and making the “wrong decision”.
Final Reflections From a Recovering People Pleaser
And all of this is coming from a people pleaser, someone who wants to make others “happy” and not let them down.
Yes, out of fear that I’m yet to uncover…
And yes, out of the desire to be accepted, loved, or liked, you name it!
But also because seeing others happy is just better. Don’t you think?
The challenge is that it’s a game we’re never going to win.
For the truths stated earlier, we’re always going to let someone down, not on purpose, but because we can’t please everyone all of the time.
That doesn’t mean it’s not a game worth playing.
It just means we have to work extra hard not to tie our self-worth and self-esteem to being a people pleaser, and instead focus on developing our character, who we are, including being honest and open, no matter what.
This, combined with good intentions and seeking win-win situations, is one way through, and the best alternative to people pleasing that I’ve found to date.
TL;DR:
Be open. Be honest. Don’t sit on the fence. People pleasing is an illusion. Strive for win-win situations instead.
The Key Takeaways on People Pleasing
- Indecisiveness is a symptom: People pleasing often causes you to be indecisive, or “sit on the fence,” because you fear making a choice that might displease someone else.
- Honesty beats overthinking: Instead of getting lost in your head trying to guess what others want, it’s more effective to honestly share your thoughts on the options. This helps move the decision forward, even if you don’t have a strong preference.
- There’s a personal cost: Always prioritising others means you neglect your own needs and desires. This prevents you from being truly honest with yourself and others, leading to a false sense of connection.
- Seek win-win solutions: A healthier alternative is to aim for win-win outcomes through open communication. This could mean choosing one activity now and agreeing to do another later, so everyone feels their preference is valued.
- Detach your self-worth: You can’t please everyone all the time. The goal is to separate your self-esteem from others’ approval and instead focus on developing your character through honesty and openness.
FAQs for Why People Pleasing Is an Illusion
Why do I always say “I don’t mind” when asked for my preference?
You likely say this out of a fear of making the “wrong” decision and disappointing the other person. It’s a subconscious protection mechanism to avoid potential conflict, but it means your own preferences are never voiced.
Is people pleasing the same as being kind?
No, they are different. Kindness comes from a place of genuine care without expecting anything in return. People pleasing often stems from a need for approval and a fear of rejection. It creates a false connection, whereas true kindness builds genuine bonds.
How can I stop people pleasing without feeling guilty?
Start by being honest in small, low-stakes situations. Instead of saying “I don’t mind,” try explaining your thoughts on the options. The goal isn’t to be difficult, but to be authentic. Over time, you’ll build confidence and learn that your worth isn’t tied to always agreeing with others.
What is a “win-win” solution?
A win-win solution is an outcome where everyone feels heard and respected. For example, if you can’t decide between two activities, you could choose one for today and agree to do the other one next time. It’s about collaboration and honesty rather than one person simply giving in.
Can I ever truly stop being a people pleaser?
Yes, with conscious effort. Focus on honesty, openness, and detaching your self-worth from others’ opinions is the way forward. It’s a process of building self-awareness and character, not an overnight fix.
