Each of us has a deep curiosity about why things are the way they are, why they happen, and why we do the things we do.
And while this can be to varying degrees, meaning that some of us seek answers more intently than others, our curiosity and desire to seek meaning and understanding remain.
Take something like feeling under the weather. We wonder to ourselves: why?
Why do I feel under the weather?
Have I drunk enough?
Have I eaten today?
How was my sleep?
We question a whole plethora of things that we may or may not have done to try to get to the bottom of why we feel under the weather.
It’s the same with life’s unpredictable events…
Let’s say we were involved in an accident.
We question…
Why?
Why was I involved in that accident?
What did I do or didn’t do that meant I was the one involved?
And all of this questioning doesn’t even include understanding our own behaviours and why we do the things that we do, such as shouting at a loved one when they ask a simple question, blanking a co-worker when we see them out and about, or any other behaviour that we later question…
Why did I do that?
The Endless Search for Answers
I’m fascinated by understanding the why, whether that be life’s events, aspects related to my own health and those around me, and all facets of human behaviour, including my own.
Because I believe that by understanding the why, we at least have the information to help make better, more informed, conscious decisions moving forward and shape our lives by design.
Without it, we’re kind of aimlessly walking around in the dark.
This is especially true when it comes to our own behaviours and tendencies, and less so with external events, because remember:
We don’t control what happens to us, only our response.
This poses a fundamental challenge.
It can easily rob us of inner peace and a sense of contentment, because when we’re always seeking answers, whether external or within, our mind is always active: thinking, processing, evaluating, ruminating, reflecting, etc.
Look, don’t get me wrong. Seeking answers can be valuable.
We need them to address the issues and challenges we face in our lives, rather than obsessing over problems and never actually doing something about the issue at hand.
And I’m sure we all know people like that…
Answers can help us grow and evolve, which is an innate part of what it means to be human.
I’ve found it’s the scale and the extreme of that, like with most things in life, that can lead us to fall into unhealthy territory and consume us more than is necessary.
And our personality type can have a big impact on this.
For example, research suggests that the personality types that most consistently overthink and seek answers are INTP (The Logician), INTJ (The Architect), INFJ (The Advocate), and INFP (The Mediator).
If none of that means anything to you, I would highly recommend taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test, which is a good starting point for understanding more about your behaviours and tendencies through personality.
On the other hand, if this resonates and you fall into one of those personality types, you may believe that there is a reason for everything and that you must identify the reason.
It becomes your personal quest, and without it, peace and contentment are nonexistent. You simply cannot rest.
The Problem With Searching for Reasons for Everything
The scary possibility I’ve been playing with is this:
What if there isn’t always a reason for everything, and why things happen?
Things, life itself, happen and just are the way they are.
Sit with that for a moment and notice how that feels.
For many, it’s greatly uncomfortable.
We need reason.
We need an explanation.
We need to know why.
The One Area Where “Why” Does Matter: Human Behaviour
Now, my only caveat to this is when it comes to human behaviour and why we do the things that we do.
Here, I do believe that there are reasons for all of our behaviours, even if we can’t consciously recognise them or know where they come from.
This is the main difficulty, alongside accepting them for what they are.
There are reasons, often deeply hidden and suppressed by the unconscious mind, as to why we are the way we are and why we do the things that we do.
And this is why I’m a huge advocate of personal growth, spiritual practice, and self-work.
Because it’s often through consciously working on ourselves that we can start to uncover the why behind our behaviours and how we show up in the world.
How Our Early Years Shape Our Behaviour
Many of these reasons have been deeply suppressed by our mind and body as a protection mechanism.
They’re often deeply uncomfortable and evoke trauma for many.
They often go back to our earliest years, when we were such sponges and soaked up everything from our environment.
Many psychologists, therapists, and professionals can speak about this more evidently and professionally than I can.
I’m learning from them and have simply found the exploration of human behaviour fascinating.
It has helped me to understand myself better and the world around me.
Given that our earliest context is so responsible for who we are today, trying to change that often feels like an impossible task.
There’s a part of society that says we shouldn’t change who we are and should instead embrace it.
However, what if we have, and we all do, even I, behaviours and tendencies that are addictive, unhealthy, and damaging?
Because at the end of the day, we’re human.
None of us is perfect.
We have a moral responsibility to work on ourselves to grow, not just for ourselves but for the people around us.
Growth Is a Natural Part of Being Human
Look at it this way:
Everything else in this world grows, evolves, and then admittedly dies.
We’re no different.
And the great thing about being human is that we don’t only grow physically.
We can also grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and in many other ways so that we don’t only increase our capacity but also become more of who we truly are.
I get that the “be your best self” or “always strive to be better than yesterday” messaging can sometimes take its toll.
It can feel very pressurising to always be improving day after day after day, and if we’re not, then somehow we’re a failure.
I see a difference, though, between this type of messaging and simply growing.
Because growing is a more natural part of the human experience.
Growing is in rhythm with our true nature.
Maybe this is just a play on words, and actually, it’s all the same thing.
However, I will hold my ground and say that there is at least an energetic difference between the two when we truly allow ourselves to feel and embrace our natural rhythm to grow and become more of who we truly are.
A lot of this is about undoing the unhealthy behaviours that we’ve developed that hold us back from our unfoldment.
So, while there might not always be reasons for why everything happens out there in the big wide world, things happen; this is life itself unfolding and accepting this will help cultivate more inner peace.
There are reasons why we are the way we are and do the things that we do, even if we don’t recognise them consciously.
Turning the Unconscious Into the Conscious
Turning the unconscious into the conscious isn’t a one-and-done process.
It’s a daily practice that can take shape in many different forms.
I relate it to exercise, weirdly.
It’s done daily in different forms (for exercise, this might be cardio, strength training, mobility, etc.), and it’s the habit of intentionally and consciously putting ourselves through discomfort to increase our capacity, grow, and come through on the other side.
Forms may include self-directed practices such as journalling, meditation, breathwork, or other mindfulness practices.
Or seeking professional help, such as therapy.
No matter which option you choose, it’s fair to say they’re all rather uncomfortable.
And this is because they require us to slow down.
Slowing down is how we begin to notice patterns, behaviours, and trends.
Unfortunately, this is something we don’t like to do, and it’s rarely encouraged in a world that moves so fast.
But it’s in the practice, the art of slowing down, where we find the good stuff.
Yes, the uncomfortable stuff that helps us grow, evolve, and not be such a victim to our own hidden behaviours.
This isn’t easy, nor is it meant to be.
It’s the work of undoing years and years, in some cases even decades, of repeating the same patterns and behaviours.
And the thing about behaviour is that the more we repeat it, the more it becomes ingrained in who we think we are.
But who we think we are often isn’t who we truly are.
This is another uncomfortable truth that many of us must come to terms with throughout our growth journey, including myself.
The TL;DR
We crave to know why things happen and why they are the way they are, both externally and within ourselves.
However, what if there is no reason externally for why things happen?
It’s life unfolding. Not as it should be, but as it is.
Internally?
That’s a different ball game.
Our patterns and behaviours do indeed have reasons.
They often go back to our earliest years, and working through them can help us grow and aid our personal unfoldment, a natural and rhythmic part of what it means to be human.
It requires us to consciously pursue that path.
A path that is scary, difficult, and challenging.
But worth it.
Once you start, there’s often no going back.
Reminders
1. We don’t control what happens to us, only our response.
Life will always deliver the unexpected. Our power lies not in controlling events, something most of us fall victim to, but in choosing how we respond. Our response is where our joy, peace, contentment, and freedom live.
2. Things aren’t good or bad. They just are.
Events themselves are neutral. It’s the meaning we attach to them that shapes our experience. When we change the story, narrative, and our perspective, we change the feeling; therefore, our experience.
3. There are no bad days, just moments.
While a single moment can feel overwhelming. It is but a single moment, not an entire day. When we zoom out and gain perspective, our reality changes.