Finding the right language to describe our emotions is one thing…
Communicating them clearly so people understand is another.
Our emotions and feelings aren’t easy to navigate, especially when we don’t have the tools or skills.
And let’s be honest, society isn’t set up in a way to provide us with either.
We learn about Shakespeare at school, but fail to explore the depths of our emotional world and how to process emotions healthily.
The Problem With Emotional Education
When I think back to my school days, sure, we had an hour a week of personal development, but knowing what personal development and personal growth are now, that was not personal development.
I don’t know what that was…
We never spoke about, discussed, or explored emotions, feelings, or the plethora of other areas that fall under personal growth.
It seems like we have to embark on this journey on our own. It’s a challenging one that most people don’t even start, at least not consciously, because as soon as we step into the adult world, there’s a whole list of other things we have to do, not only to fit into and be accepted by society, but to survive.
Consciously pursuing our personal growth, including our emotional health and well-being, often gets put on the back burner.
Yet, the crazy thing about this is that our emotions and feelings are our touchpoint with the external world.
Why Emotions Are Our Touchpoint With Life
Let me put it this way:
Everything we do and come into contact with, whether we’re conscious of it or not, produces emotions and feelings, which sets off a cascade of downstream effects.
That’s why, when we don’t have the tools to navigate them healthily, we often run into trouble, whether that’s broken relationships or getting ourselves into bigger trouble because we’re unable to express our feelings in a healthy way.
We react rather than respond to situations, which, like everything, produces outcomes and has consequences.
This is the law of cause and effect in motion.
Why We Struggle to Understand Our Feelings
Our emotions and feelings aren’t easy to understand.
They’re not binary. When something happens, we don’t only feel one thing.
It sets off multiple emotions, feelings, and thoughts, all of which are interwoven and can be overwhelming to process, let alone understand.
And if we don’t understand them, and we’re the ones experiencing them, how can we expect to express and communicate them healthily to the people around us?
Tools for Emotional Intelligence
That’s where tools come in…
Tools like the How We Feel App, a free, science-based emotional intelligence tool developed by Ben Silbermann and Dr Marc Brackett.
I discovered this app thanks to an episode of Modern Wisdom, where Chris Williamson was joined by Dr Marc Brackett to discuss the life-changing skill of emotional regulation, plus much more.
The app is amazing. It offers:
- Emotion tracking, where users can check in daily and select emotions based on pleasantness, with options to add context like activities, people, location, and more.
- An emotional vocabulary of over 500 emotion words with definitions to help users identify feelings and become more aware of differentiating emotions. Personally, this is one of the most helpful features.
- Regulation strategies, including breathing techniques, videos, and prompts, to help manage emotions.
- Pattern identification, which uses AI to analyse check-in data and reveal patterns.
- Mind–body connection, integrating sleep, exercise, and other wellness data to offer a holistic view of wellbeing.
Plus much more, and all at zero cost!
Side note: It’s worth mentioning that I’m not associated with this app, or the non-profit behind it, in any way. It’s simply a daily tool I use to help navigate my emotions and become more emotionally aware, and, hopefully, more emotionally intelligent.
While apps like these are great, they require a level of consciousness to use consistently, remembering to check in and slow down.
I often use How We Feel during my journalling routine, and again around midday when I’d be stopping for lunch anyway.
They have their place. However, they’re not very helpful when a heated situation occurs, and we end up in an argument.
Why Tools Aren’t Enough in the Moment
We feel angry and frustrated…
In that moment, we’re not exactly going to whip out our phone, open an app, and dive deeper into our emotions.
Most of us are too caught up in the moment.
That may happen after the event. If we remember at all.
This is where skills come in.
The Skills of Emotional Intelligence
In the midst of a heated situation or difficult moment, we need skills that help us navigate it better, so it doesn’t prolong, turn unsavoury, or become violent.
Skills like:
- Self-regulation: The ability to pause, respond rather than react, and adapt to change without a meltdown.
- Active listening: Truly hearing others, beyond just words, rather than waiting to speak.
- Accepting feedback: Processing criticism objectively for growth, rather than becoming defensive.
- Perspective-taking: The ability to step into someone else’s shoes to understand their emotions, feelings, and thoughts, beyond our own limited viewpoint.
These skills form part of the three components of emotional intelligence:
- Emotional awareness: The ability to be aware of our emotions and how we feel.
- Emotional insight: Understanding why we feel the way we do and where it’s coming from.
- Emotional control: The ability to feel emotions fully without reacting or casting judgment.
By cultivating these skills and understanding the components of emotional intelligence, we’re better able to navigate our emotional landscape, and therefore, life itself.
That’s not to say we won’t sometimes fall from grace and react.
Oftentimes, we will.
But it’s about reducing the frequency and intensity of these moments, becoming better and growing over time.
That’s what we’re striving for.
None of us is perfect, in this area or any other.
Growth, Not Perfection
The goal is growth, not perfection.
Through tools and skills, some of which I’ve mentioned here, we can learn to become more emotionally intelligent, expand our emotional vocabulary, and better understand how we feel so we can communicate it more clearly to others.
And once we can communicate how we feel, our world opens up, improving our relationships and overall life outcomes.
Remember: emotions matter.
They are our touchpoint with the external world. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
That doesn’t mean we always need to act on them.
Often, we don’t.
They’re insightful. A feedback mechanism we can learn and grow from.
At the end of the day, emotions happen, and feelings occur.
It’s how we choose to respond, not react, that matters.
Tools and skills help us do just that.
Reminders
1. The goal is growth, not perfection.
We will react sometimes. We will fall short. Emotional growth is about reducing the frequency and intensity of those moments and becoming better over time, adding tools and skills to our toolbox. Not getting it right every time.
2. Thoughts and emotions aren’t the truth, but they are insightful.
Emotions are feedback. They tell us something valuable about ourselves and our interaction with the external world, even if they don’t always require action.
3. It’s how we choose to respond, not react, that matters.
Without tools and skills, we become a victim to our emotions and feelings as they drive our behaviour unconsciously. With self-awareness and regulation, we regain agency and get to choose how we respond.