Control.

We’re all seeking it in and over our lives, failing to recognise that it’s an illusion.

Let me put it this way: we control nothing but influence everything.

We Influence Everything, But Control Nothing

Meaning that our behaviours, habits, actions, and the daily choices we make all influence not just the direction of our lives, but also interact with and influence the lives of those around us.

But don’t control any of it.

We know this at least theoretically, although we may not want to accept it. We all know that we can’t control others and the things external to us, but that doesn’t stop us from trying.

This doesn’t mean we don’t have agency.

What Is Agency?

On the contrary, agency is the very thing that we do have. And many of us could be cultivating it more.

I guess it depends on how one defines agency, but at least for me, agency is about choice.

It’s the ability to choose.

And while at times it may not feel like it, we always have a choice.

That’s something no one can take away from us; no one can take our agency away.

This can be difficult to not only recognise but also accept, especially when we’re in situations, no matter how big or small, where we feel we don’t have a choice, feel stuck, and others have power over us…

It’s worth remembering that, even in those moments, we still have a choice.

We choose who to be and how to respond. That never goes away.

Control vs Agency: The Key Difference

The difference between control and agency comes down to the outcome.

When we’re seeking control, we have a preconceived notion of the outcome we desire, and we try to do all that we can to ensure things go well, perfectly, to make that happen.

If not, not only are we left disappointed, frustrated, angry, and annoyed, but so often throughout the process of even trying to make the outcome happen, we’re tense, restricted, anxious, and in a heightened state. Overall, we’re not our best selves.

However, when we cultivate agency, which is harnessing our power to choose, we’re making choices and decisions in each passing moment, either not or at least less attached to the outcome.

This isn’t even a case of “we can’t” control the outcome. We don’t control the outcome. Because life unfolds in many different ways. We influence it by who we choose to be and how we show up, going back to my earlier point, but we don’t control it.

When we cultivate agency, we take responsibility for our lives, realising that we have the power to choose. Choice comes with responsibility.

This can be hard to grasp because, by default, we link responsibility with control. If we’re responsible for our lives, we control or are in control of them. But if we just take a step back to acknowledge that unexpected events have all arisen in our lives (and do all the time), for which we have no direct control, we begin to see how little control we actually have and that our responsibility is tied to how we choose to respond to such events.

In other words, how we choose to respond is what matters. This is actually where we live. And it’s all a matter of choice.

This is hard to remember, especially when we feel our choices aren’t truly ours and are due to having to meet obligations.

Sure, we all have responsibilities and bills to pay.

But that doesn’t mean if we don’t like where we are in life, we can’t move. We’re not a tree. We can take our lives in a new direction if we truly choose to do so, despite the obligations that we feel we have to meet.

The thing about these obligations is that most of them are caught up in societal expectations and pressure.

The Hidden Cost of Social Expectations

We’re social creatures and crave connection and acceptance. So, despite not wanting to do a thing, we do it anyway, for fear of being ostracised, not accepted, or frowned upon by friends, family, co-workers, people around us, or even society at large.

It’s rather quite strange because our lives are our lives, not anyone else’s. Yet we’ve all been guilty of it, myself included, far too many times.

I understand it more with the people closest to us, but it’s crazy to think how we all, at least at some point in our lives, have done things to appease people we don’t even like and, in some cases, will never see again, just to be accepted and not frowned upon in that moment.

When we really think about it, this is a false sense of acceptance, let alone connection.

True connection is rooted in shared values, interests, a common goal, purpose, mission, and a deep care and understanding for one another.

Whereas social acceptance and societal expectations are giving in to an ideology or set of rules or “Brules”, as Vishen Lakhiani likes to call them, that we may not wholeheartedly agree with but go along with anyway, because if we don’t, we’ll be ostracised and left to fend for ourselves.

And none of us likes the idea of being an outcast.

Yet, whether we realise it or not, this is still a choice.

We choose whether we disregard our values, morals, feelings, goals, purpose, and mission to fit in with certain groups or people, or to appease friends and family as we slowly lose ourselves in the process.

And before we know it, we don’t even know who we are anymore. That’s the unfortunate truth of the matter.

Sure, this isn’t easy. What is?!

Cultivating agency and recognising the choice that we have in each passing moment isn’t something many want to accept. Instead, we love to blame others for how our lives have turned out, rather than taking responsibility.

The Responsibility That Comes With Agency

Agency requires responsibility, courage, awareness, self-sufficiency, and honouring of our values, which act as a guiding compass throughout our lives as we make choices and decisions, no matter the outcomes or consequences.

When we truly honour and live our values, which are demonstrated by our daily actions and how we show up in the world, social expectations and pressure become easier to navigate because we have a guiding compass.

That’s not to say we still won’t feel tension or unpleasantness. I don’t know about you, but I often feel this way when it comes to choosing and making decisions with societal expectations running in the background of my mind, questioning what choice to make for the best.

That mental chatter can be very loud and greatly influence our choices if we’re not aware and don’t have a strong value compass to guide us back to what actually matters to us.

Once we quiet the noise, we can make a more aligned decision with what matters to us, who we’re becoming, and how we envision our lives unfolding.

Letting Go of Outcomes

Which brings us back to how I started…

While we may have a vision for how we see our lives unfolding (which I recommend), and agency is part of that, it’s worth remembering that controlling the actual outcomes, what that actually looks like, is often outside of our direct control, for life has a crazy and unpredictable way of unfolding in ways that, right here right now, we can’t even begin to imagine. And whether it’s for good or worse, who knows?!

Gripping so tightly to our vision, plans, and intentions can cause a lot of distress, unease, and unhappiness.

This sums it up best:

Reality doesn’t need you to operate it. Let go, or be dragged.

That’s not to say to go with the wind and always change your mind. It is to say that despite our best-laid vision, goals, plans, and intentions, we don’t control the outcomes of any of it.

But we do influence it through our behaviours, actions, habits, and the choices and decisions we make, adapting the best we can and being flexible as we navigate this thing called life.

The Truth About Control and Life

Point being:

So many of us seek control in and over our lives, but in reality, we control nothing because life unfolds in many mysterious ways.

The only thing we do have is our sense of agency, the ability to choose and make decisions in each passing moment, taking responsibility for the outcomes as they unfold.

Unfortunately, many of us make choices and decisions not for ourselves but for others, because we want to be accepted and not ostracised by the people around us.

This is a surefire way to an unfulfilled life full of resentment, anger, and stress, both in the short and long term.

The Antidote: Cultivate Agency

The antidote?

To stop seeking control, especially outcomes, and cultivate agency instead, where we learn to make value-driven choices, not to appease others, but for our own growth and unfolding, and to live our best lives possible, whatever that looks like for us; remembering that no matter the outcome, we don’t control it, only influence it by who we choose to be and how we choose to show up.

Remember: control isn’t the answer for living our best life possible. Cultivate agency instead.