Why is it we often get so defensive, annoyed, agitated, and uptight when others don’t do what we suggest or want them to do, even when we’re helping, coming from a good, honest, and sincere place?
It’s as if our overall life satisfaction and, dare I say, even our joy and happiness are derived from them doing what we want them to do, even if it could help them, failing to recognise that we can’t control others, no matter how hard we try, and never could.
Living From the Inside Out, Not the Outside In
It’s as if our self-esteem, worth, and overall self-image are wrapped up in others and the outside world. Rather than living from the inside out, we’re operating from the outside in. And that’s a very unhealthy place to be for our emotional and mental well-being, let alone our overall life satisfaction.
Let’s be real: sometimes we all have ulterior motives. And that’s okay, as long as they don’t bring serious hurt or cause harm to others. Having an ulterior motive, such as helping someone so you also feel good, while unhealthy, especially over the long term (and I’d recommend doing some self-work, as that won’t lead anywhere good), doesn’t make you less of a human being. We’re only human at the end of the day.
Even when we’re coming from a good, honest place, and I believe mostly we are, most of the time, it’s worth recognising that when we try to help others, it’s from our perspective of the world, even if there’s some validity, wisdom, and knowledge in what we’re sharing.
That’s not to say we shouldn’t help others or share our knowledge with the hope and honest intention that it will help them and better their lives in some way.
But when it has a negative consequence, when they don’t take our suggestions, and we get defensive and leery, that just highlights more about us, and where we are in life, than about them.
Remember: helping others is derived on their terms, not ours.
And while we can share our knowledge, wisdom, and experience, whether others act on it or not, even if we believe in it, have evidence for it (at least from our own experience), and are passionate about it, is up to them. Does it really have anything to do with us?
Sure, when we’ve been able to change our own lives, that passion can spill over, and we can become a little too dogmatic about our own lived experiences, believing that what worked for us will universally work for everyone.
We both know that, deep down, this isn’t the case. And getting defensive and antsy about it leads nowhere good. Not for others, and definitely not for ourselves.
People Act on Their Own Terms, Not Ours
At the end of the day, others are going to do what they’re going to do, much like we’re going to do what we’re going to do when we’re on the other side, and others are sharing their knowledge and wisdom with us.
We often forget this when we’re the ones giving advice. Yet when we’re on the receiving end, do we even half the time follow through?
Why We Change Only When the Pain Is Great Enough
Often, and this is from my own life, we only tend to act when we reach a certain threshold of discomfort and pain. Up until that point, our habits, behaviours, and tendencies, you name it, are so rooted and ingrained within us that changing them often requires deep pain and discomfort, more than inspiration.
I most prominently see this within health. That’s probably because it’s where I spend most of my time and attention, and because we all, to a certain degree, share health advice, suggestions, and recommendations based on our own lived experiences.
Here’s the thing:
Health Is Personal: Why One Size Never Fits All
It’s our own experience. Not anyone else’s. Health is deeply personal, and what may work for one person might not work for another.
The Fundamentals We All Share
That said, and here’s the caveat, which there usually is when it comes to these conversations, there are fundamental inputs we all need. And when I say we, I mean all humans, purely on a biological, physiological, and psychological level, you name it.
This isn’t about being dogmatic; it’s the reality of the human condition, and about understanding the mechanisms running in the background.
For example, we all need to be hydrated, eat food, and sleep. The best and most “optimal” ways vary from one person to another. One might thrive on a keto protocol, while for another that doesn’t work.
When we become too dogmatic and ideological about protocols, and really any idea within health and life, for that matter, it often just creates more separation. And one thing we definitely don’t need in today’s world is more separation. We need more togetherness and community.
Helping others is meant to feel good, like a privilege and a pleasure. When we become dogmatic, ideological, and egocentric, believing we know what’s best for someone else all the way down to the specific details and nuances, helping others starts to not only feel less good (for want of a better word) but ends up helping no one, often driving people away.
Hold Your Ideas Loosely: The Antidote to Dogma
Also, when we really think about it, to believe and live under the illusion that we know everything, and what’s best for everyone, is egotistical at best. Instead, a better approach is to hold our perspectives, ideas, and even our knowledge and wisdom, a little less tightly, a little less rigidly. And when we are helping others, to do so from an open place: recommending and suggesting, not telling and dictating.
To help others without becoming so defensive and dysregulated when they don’t follow through on our suggestions, for whatever reason that might be. It doesn’t mean they don’t respect you, like you, think less of you, or think they’re better than you, a common misconception we fall into, linked to our sense of self-worth and adequacy.
It’s often just because they’re going to do what they’re going to do anyway, when they’re going to do it. And that’s okay.
With this in mind, we may think: well then, what’s the point in even trying to help if they’re going to do what they’re going to do anyway? Anything I say is pointless.
No, again, that’s an egotistical way of looking at the situation. Because it’s wise not to underestimate the, let’s call it, long-term effect that could be had.
Let me put it this way:
Sometimes we need to hear a message on repeat, or for a specific period of time, before we act and feel that we have all the pieces of the puzzle together.
Again, that’s okay.
Your Insight Might Be One Piece of Their Puzzle
And any insight we can share can sometimes, oftentimes, I tend to believe, add to that piece of the puzzle, so that when others are ready (including ourselves, by the way), they act and take the steps forward.
But without our insight, our piece of the puzzle, that might just be delayed longer than needed. And when we do share from a free, open, non-defensive, non-egotistical place, we realise it’s our duty to help based on what others need and where they are right now, even if that’s just to sit in the mud with them and not practically do anything at all.
It’s often harder said than done, especially when we’re so tightly rigid in our ideas, see others suffering, and believe we have the solution.
At the end of the day, it’s about developing the capacity and capability to share and help without holding onto our ideas so tightly, a trait of the ego, and without becoming so defensive when others choose not to follow through, at least right away. Our insight might just be one part of their puzzle.
The TL;DR?
Help others openly, and hold your ideas and insights loosely. Watch how you’ll learn and grow with the people around you, rather than create unnecessary separation.
Key Takeaways on Helping Others Without Needing Control
- Live Inside Out: Your self-worth should not depend on whether people follow your advice or do what you expect.
- Respect Personal Autonomy: People act on their own terms and perspective, so forcing your lived experience onto others only creates tension.
- Wait for Readiness: Real change often requires personal discomfort, meaning advice only lands when someone is truly ready to hear it.
- Recognise Personal Nuance: What works brilliantly for your personal process may not suit someone else’s specific needs or lifestyle.
- Focus on Core Fundamentals: Basic physiological and mental needs are universal, yet individual application varies wildly across different people.
- Hold Ideas Loosely: Avoid dogmatic thinking and present suggestions with an open mind, as recommended.
- Value Your Contribution: Your guidance might simply serve as one small piece of a larger puzzle that helps someone down the line.
FAQs for How to Help Others Without Needing Control
Why do you get defensive when people ignore your advice?
You often attach your self-worth to the outcome. When someone dismisses your suggestion, it feels like a personal rejection rather than an independent choice on their part.
How can you offer support without becoming controlling?
Focus on offering suggestions rather than strict rules. Share your personal perspective while granting full freedom for the other person to make their own choices.
Why do people resist making positive changes?
Most individuals only alter their habits when discomfort reaches a personal threshold. Without that internal drive, external suggestions rarely trigger lasting action.
What should you do if someone refuses your help?
Accept their decision calmly and stay present. You learn that being supportive often means listening without forcing a direct solution.
