Helping others is a gift.
When Helping Others Feels Like a Gift
To lift others up, relieve their pain and suffering, and support them through their challenges and difficulties, seeing them smile, laugh, or simply be out of discomfort on the other side, is one of the best ways to use our time.
And like most gifts, whether at birthdays, Christmases, or just spontaneously, it’s an act of giving. And giving is designed to feel good.
So what happens when it doesn’t?
What happens when helping others turns from a gift, something that feels good, into something that drains our energy and we dread?
Look, I get it. Helping others isn’t about us. Much like giving a gift, it’s about the pure act of giving and what it does for the person (or people) on the other side.
The pure act of giving, or helping, is what matters.
Remember: helping others is derived on their terms, not on ours.
We can have good intentions, but if our way of helping isn’t actually helping, then it doesn’t count as help. That’s something many of us struggle to accept, at least initially. It hurts our ego because we think we’re doing the right thing, being a good person. We have good intentions, after all.
Sure, good intentions count for something. They deserve to be recognised and appreciated.
They just aren’t everything. Especially when they don’t lead to actually helping, sometimes making things worse, or perhaps simply not being what’s needed at that time.
And that’s okay.
When we move out of ego, into what I call spirit, we recognise this and become less attached to outcomes. We become less attached to helping others in our specific way, and more willing and open to whatever others need to move forward, even if that means not helping or not being involved at all.
That’s an ego smasher for the best of us.
Yet it is sometimes the case. Sometimes we can’t help. Maybe we don’t have the tools, knowledge, or resources to do so, and the best thing we can do is to do nothing at all.
I know. It can feel a bit redundant. And sometimes, that’s the case.
When Helping Starts to Feel Like a Burden
I’m confident in stating that we’ve all had times where we’ve helped others, and it’s drained our energy. Especially the type, we repeat consistently day after day after day after day.
It gets to the point where we dread it. Perhaps we even burn out. Yet we continue to show up.
That’s when helping begins to stop feeling good.
So what happens next?
Obligation Over Care: How Resentment Creeps In
We don’t want to do it. Yet we feel obligated to, and end up resenting the other person as a result. Which, at least in my mind, defeats the whole point.
Giving and helping others are meant to connect us. Not divide us. Yet this is exactly what can happen when we help from a place of dread, resentment, and obligation, rather than love, care, and compassion.
You get the point.
This even has a name. Researchers describe it as compassion fatigue, the gradual erosion of our capacity to help, driven by repeated giving without replenishment. It’s more common than most of us realise.
I’m not saying that on those occasions where helping feels inconvenient, not to help because it doesn’t fit in with us and our plans. Those moments often require a mindset shift, placing our ego to one side.
Again, help is derived on others’ terms, not ours.
There Is Helping That Feels Good, and Helping That Doesn’t
What I am saying is this:
There is helping that feels good, and helping that doesn’t. Strive for the former, not the latter, more of the time.
Especially when it comes to the kind of help we find ourselves giving from a place of dread and obligation. That’s no good for anyone.
Why the ‘Place’ You Help From Matters
When we help others from a place that feels good, we tend to give and help more, and this research backs this up.
It’s worth acknowledging that whether we help from a good place or not, there’s always some sort of payoff. I’d simply rather help in a way that feels good than in a way that drains my energy, leading to resentment over the long term, so that I can help more, give more, and show up as my best self throughout the process.
The worst thing is facing a challenge, sitting in discomfort, or dealing with difficulties, surrounded by people who are trying to help, yet clearly aren’t really “there.”
You can tell. They’re present through obligation. Not because they want to be.
Help Is a Two-Way Experience
I’ve been on all sides of this. Like many of us have. Helping from a place that feels good. Helping from a place that doesn’t. Being helped by someone from a good place, and by someone who clearly didn’t want to be there, yet perhaps helped anyway or maybe not.
This hypnosis, and this is all this is, is shaped by my own life experiences thus far, and how, when we help from a place of feeling good, we’re more likely to help more, give better help, and be more open to whatever they or the situation needs, whether that actually involves us or not.
I could be wrong. Maybe I am. Even if I am, life is precious and can end at any point.
If we spend the majority of our days doing things that drain us, living in resentment, operating always purely out of obligation – what kind of life is that?
That goes for helping others, too. A gift that’s meant to connect us, bind us, and help us navigate life with a little more ease. Not to divide us and cause more stress and unease.
There’s enough of that in the world as it is.
TLDR:
Helping others is a gift. And like giving gifts, it’s designed to feel good. When it consistently doesn’t, when it drains our energy and feels more like a chore or an obligation, the true essence has gone; it’s missing. There is helping that feels good and helping that doesn’t. Strive for the former, not the latter, more of the time.
Key Takeaways on Why Helping Others Should Feel Good
- Help on Their Terms: Remember that effective help is defined by the person receiving it, not by your own good intentions. Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to step back and accept that you may not have the right tools for their situation.
- Recognise the Burden: If you consistently feel drained or start to dread helping someone, it’s a sign that the act has become a burden. This can lead to burnout if you don’t address it.
- Avoid Obligation-Driven Resentment: Helping from a place of obligation rather than genuine care can breed resentment. This defeats the purpose of helping, which is to connect with and support others, not create division.
- Your Energy Matters: The spirit in which you offer help is crucial. When you help from a place that feels good to you, you provide better support and are more present for the person in need.
- Helping is a Two-Way Street: The person you are assisting can sense whether you are there willingly or just out of duty. Strive to make helping a positive, two-way experience that benefits both of you.
FAQs for Why Helping Others Should Feel Good (Not Drain You)
Why does helping others sometimes feel so draining?
Helping can feel draining when it shifts from a genuine act of care to a sense of obligation. This repeated giving without replenishing your own energy can lead to compassion fatigue, where you feel emotionally exhausted and begin to dread the act of helping.
What if my attempts to help are not actually helping?
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but true help is always defined by the recipient’s needs, not your intentions. It requires setting your ego aside and being open to the possibility that what you’re offering isn’t what’s needed, or that the best help you can give is to do nothing at all.
How can I avoid feeling resentful when I help others?
To avoid resentment, focus on helping from a place that feels good and authentic to you. If you find yourself consistently helping out of obligation, it may be time to re-evaluate your boundaries. Prioritising your own well-being allows you to help others more effectively in the long run.
Is it selfish to want to feel good when I help someone?
Not at all. Helping is meant to be a connecting experience. When you feel good while helping, you bring better energy to the situation, you’re more present, and you’re more likely to continue giving support. It creates a positive cycle for both you and the person you’re helping.
What is compassion fatigue?
Compassion fatigue is the gradual erosion of your ability to care and help. It’s caused by repeated exposure to the stress of supporting others without taking adequate time to recharge your own emotional and physical energy. It often manifests as feeling drained, resentful, or detached.
