Whether it’s a family member, a colleague, or someone we see on the street, the desire to help others in distress is an innate trait of what it means to be human.
That could be due to the discomfort it causes within ourselves, our ability to relate to others, or a combination of the two; either way, our innate desire and urge to help is part of the human experience.
This makes me ask, pose, and often think about: what does it actually mean to help others?
I believe that most humans have good intentions and do the best they can. A family member or friend could be feeling anxious, stressed, or worried, or have an issue or problem, and we are keen to give our advice, recommendations, opinions, and potential solutions.
We want to be there to help and ease whatever they are going through.
When Our Help Isn’t Received as Help
But what happens when the person we’re trying to help doesn’t take our advice or recommendations?
What happens when they don’t act on how we’re trying to help them, because they don’t perceive our help as help, but as a hindrance… 😬
This is the last thing we want. Or what our intentions were.
Yet, I’m confident in saying we’ve all had these moments. For us, they can be depleting and leave us feeling powerless because all we want to do is help.
Helping Others Is on Their Terms, Not Ours
This is where I realised that helping people isn’t about us; it’s about them.
It’s about helping the person we want to help with what they need help with, not what we think they need help with, or what we think could or would be best for them.
Remember this: helping others is derived on their terms, not ours.
I’ve found this to be true no matter how good our intentions are.
What’s the point of good intentions if our help doesn’t actually help and is seen more as a nuisance or hindrance? What good is it, really?
I’m playing a little bit of devil’s advocate here, because I do believe that our intentions matter, while also recognising that these are the sorts of questions we need to consider if we are serious about helping others and being of service.
I’ll repeat…
Helping others is derived on their terms, not ours.
Therefore, if we really want to help our fellow man (or woman), it’s about truly listening to what they need help and support with, being open and curious about how we can best support them, and even being willing to ask them directly.
Breaking Out of Reactionary Mode
However, most people, including me, don’t do this. Instead, when we see or hear that someone needs help, we often go into what I call reactionary mode and take any action or say anything that we think could help and ease distress.
Sure, at times, this might be what’s required. Other times, though, a more thoughtful and conscious response is needed.
Through a more conscious and thoughtful response, we can better understand how we can best support someone in their time of need.
Why a Listening Ear Is the Hardest Support to Give
And what I’ve found is that the hardest support we can give to someone is a listening ear.
This is because we’re stuck in that default reactionary state, and we think and feel that we have to take some kind of drastic action to help.
However, in most cases, this isn’t necessary.
Sitting in the Mud: The Power of Active Listening
What I’ve found is that most people during their time of need simply need someone to, in the words of Simon Sinek,
“Sit in the mud with them.”
When I first heard this, I was unsure because I like to think of myself as more of an optimistic person, and this, to me, sounded like it was throwing a pity party, which is something I’m deeply against. But then I realised two things…
1 – I was focusing more on myself, and as we’ve explored, helping others isn’t about us; it’s about them.
2 – Sitting in the mud with people isn’t about throwing a pity party. It’s about deep, active listening, to really understand and give a listening ear to what others are going through and to help them come to their own conclusions, solutions, and actions that they can take.
Learning to Hold Space for Others
This is the skill of learning how to hold and provide space to and for others.
It’s a lifelong skill that we can learn to develop, one that will serve us in all of our relationships, and a vital one if we are serious about helping others and being of service.
Like any worthwhile skill or endeavour, it’s not an easy one to cultivate and won’t be developed overnight.
But it’s one we can start to cultivate today by learning to be a little more thoughtful and conscious in our relationships and when engaging with others.
How to Help Others More Consciously
We can start by learning to undo our reactionary tendencies to help in any shape or form.
This works in practice by…
Stopping, pausing, being curious, asking questions, listening actively and consciously, and then deciding how best to help someone based on what they need, not you.
We may have good intentions to help others, and that’s great.
But help is derived from the terms of the person or people we’re helping, not ours.
Key Takeaways on Rethinking How to Help Others
- Help is on their terms, not yours: Understand that genuine help is defined by the person receiving it. Your good intentions don’t count for much if your actions aren’t what the other person actually needs or wants.
- Move from reaction to reflection: Avoid the common trap of jumping into a reactionary mode to fix a problem. Instead, take a more conscious and thoughtful approach to better understand the situation before you act.
- Active listening is powerful: Often, the most valuable support you can offer is simply a listening ear. This means being present with someone in their difficulty, or as the article puts it, being willing to “sit in the mud with them” without trying to immediately solve everything.
- Learn to hold space: Developing the skill of holding space for others allows them to process their own thoughts and find their own solutions. It’s a conscious practice of pausing, asking questions, and listening before deciding on the best way to offer support.
FAQs for Rethinking What It Truly Means to Help Others
Why does my advice sometimes backfire when I’m trying to help?
Your advice might not be received well because genuine help is about what the other person needs, not what you think they need. If your well-intentioned support doesn’t align with their actual requirements, it can feel more like a hindrance than a help, causing frustration for both of you.
What’s the most important principle for helping someone effectively?
The core principle is that helping others must be on their terms, not yours. This means you need to listen carefully to what they are asking for and respect their needs, rather than imposing your own solutions or opinions on their situation.
What does it mean to “sit in the mud” with someone?
“Sitting in the mud” is a metaphor for deep, active listening. It’s not about having a pity party but about being fully present with someone in their struggle. It means offering them the space to be heard and understood, which helps them find their own clarity and solutions.
How can I stop my impulse to immediately ‘fix’ people’s problems?
You can break this habit by consciously choosing a more thoughtful response. Instead of reacting instantly, practise pausing, asking curious questions, and listening actively. This allows you to understand what support is truly needed before you offer it.
Is just listening really enough to help someone?
Yes, in many cases, it is more than enough. People often don’t need you to solve their problems for them. Providing a non-judgemental listening ear and holding space for them to talk is an incredibly powerful form of support that allows them to process their own feelings and reach their own conclusions.
