We can all be a bit of a dick from time to time. We’re only human at the end of the day.
This isn’t to give ourselves an excuse when we fall from grace and make mistakes.
It is to state the undeniable truth that humans, in their nature, aren’t perfect, and at times, we act in ways that unintentionally hurt others, big or small.
I have faith in humanity that the far majority of us, especially those like you who would read something like this, don’t intentionally strive to hurt others.
There’s a difference between occasionally being a dick, whatever that means, which we’ll explore, and that becoming our personality and who we are.
Why We All Have Protection Mechanisms
Even then, even in the cases where someone could intentionally strive to hurt others, which would be fair to say would definitely make them “a dick”, it’s worth keeping in mind that all of our behaviours, actions, choices, decisions, habits, patterns, and tendencies, you get the point, are the individual protection mechanisms we’ve developed to keep us safe, secure, and help us navigate the world.
They might be deemed as unproductive, ineffective, and a burden from the outside, and maybe even for ourselves if they don’t serve us as well as they used to. Much like computer software, they might now be out of date and need updating, yet we’ve got so used to them, so used to using the software, that we’re fearful of making the upgrade for what could be on the other side.
It’s worth remembering: what used to serve in the past may not serve today.
And courage, responsibility, and radical acceptance of what’s on the other side are often what’s required to make the leap.
Built for Survival, Not Thriving
They are, however, as stated, mechanisms we’ve developed almost by default and ingrained throughout our entire lives for our survival and safety, because that’s our body’s primary objective: to survive, not thrive.
This has real-world consequences, because as we go about navigating life, we may come across as a bit of a dick to others, when really we could be a nice, good, honest, caring, and thoughtful person. But the mechanisms we’ve developed, and how they manifest externally, could say otherwise, and we only need to meet someone once for them to form a picture of who they believe we are.
It only requires one occasion, where we’re not in the best place possible, and could be coming across a bit like a dick, for someone to form a picture of us in a really bad light.
When actually we’re not that person. In a split second, we’ve just fallen into a reactionary pattern, and someone has judged us for it, which in itself is a behaviour we all do, by the way.
This is one reason why I believe we can all, even I, develop more empathy, more compassion for our fellow humans. Because we never really truly know what’s going on within. And if we just took a look at ourselves, our own lives, and how others don’t really know what’s happening within us, we would begin to see that this is the same for every single human being on the planet.
We’re not unique or special in that way; we all have challenges, issues, problems, constraints, worries, negative thoughts, etc.
And along with our protective mechanisms, behaviours, and patterns, can result in us not showing up the best, being a bit of a dick from time to time.
For me, I wonder: what does this actually mean?
What “Being a Dick” Actually Means
We throw around these short anecdotes, terms, and sentences all the time without actually understanding what we mean by them, let alone anyone else.
Taking this one as an example, being a dick, which again we all resort to, including myself, for me, it means being argumentative, difficult, resistant, and maybe even potentially nasty, without the actual need of doing so. Like, we don’t actually need to be difficult.
But we are, for whatever reason we’ve conjured up in our minds.
Ego vs Spirit: The Two Inner Voices
The challenge is that we don’t even realise it, at least not in the moment. We may feel ourselves resistant or heightened, but struggle to see how we are actually being, because we’re operating from a place of ego and not spirit.
The contrast between the two is stark. The ego is defensive, closed off, and wants to get its point across; whereas the spirit is more open, willing, understanding, loving, kind, and compassionate.
We have all of these traits within us. However, due to conditioning and our upbringing, some find it harder to access them than others. It all comes back to our protection mechanisms.
If we don’t allow ourselves to be open and willing, a classic trait of living from our spirit, then we never will. We don’t give ourselves permission to, because it’s a protection mechanism often linked to our childhood experiences.
Awareness Is the First Step
Awareness is always the first step in recognising anything… including our behaviours and patterns.
For example, let’s say that you are being a bit of a dick, being difficult when in reality there is no real reason to be. You may argue that there is never a reason to be argumentative or difficult or nasty, and I would agree with you, even in the understanding that we all have different opinions, perspectives, and see life very differently, that doesn’t have to manifest as being this way. We can have civil, open conversations, dialogues, and debates without being a dick, despite what our current culture looks like. I think that’s a skill we can all learn.
However, I digress…
Stop, Pause, Breathe
You’re being difficult for whatever reason. One of the only ways to get out of that state, which doesn’t actually feel good when we really tune into our feelings, is to stop, pause, and just take a moment, a few seconds, to be, to breathe. And we would begin to see just how unhelpful we are really being. Just how much of a dick we are really being, which serves no fundamental purpose and, if the situation is heated in its nature, just aggravates it further.
It’s by stopping, pausing, and reflecting, becoming more conscious and aware in the process, that we begin to see this for ourselves, then hopefully, for most of us, change our behaviour.
Because I don’t know about you, but I never want to come across as being a dick, as being argumentative, difficult, and resistant, especially on purpose. I see no net positive for acting in this way.
It’s one reason why awareness and consciousness are so vital in our personal growth and self-work journeys, and becoming more of who we truly are.
It may seem I put them on some sort of pedestal, and maybe I do, but that’s only because without them, nothing changes. We can’t change what we don’t see.
The first step is awareness.
Like everything in this life, awareness and consciousness don’t come without their share of challenges and obstacles, especially when we sit more at the end of the hyper-awareness and conscious spectrum.
There are definitely individuals I can relate to who are more aware and conscious in their nature than others, which poses challenges. This again is a developed protection, survival, and safety mechanism formed in the past to keep these individuals safe.
Really, it all comes back to that.
How to Stop Being Reactive in the Moment
The next time you feel yourself becoming a bit more argumentative, difficult, resistant, and maybe even potentially nastier than you would like, stop, pause, take a moment, and realise that you have the power to change it.
You don’t have to continue being argumentative or difficult, or however you’re showing up.
With a couple of deep breaths and a change in perspective of and on the situation, whatever the situation is, you can start to become more open, willing, empathetic, and compassionate, not just to the other person or people involved in a situation, but even turning it inwards towards yourself.
Self-compassion is vital throughout this process, too, because, remember:
We’re all operating from the highest level of consciousness and doing the best that we can in each moment.
That includes you, too.
It doesn’t have to result in being a dick, which we all fall into from time to time as we navigate this thing called life.
It does mean that when we do catch ourselves in the moment, we apologise if and as required, and learn to be more open, willing, loving, kind, accepting, and compassionate, including towards ourselves.
Don’t be a dick. Open yourself up instead.
The Key Takeaways on Ego, Spirit & Self-Awareness
- Protective Mechanisms: Your behaviours, even the unhelpful ones, are protection mechanisms developed for survival. These can become outdated and may no longer serve you, causing you to come across in ways you don’t intend.
- Survival vs. Thriving: Your body’s primary goal is survival, not thriving. This means you can fall into reactionary patterns that cause others to form a negative picture of you, even if it’s not who you truly are.
- Ego vs. Spirit: Unhelpful reactions often come from the ego, which is defensive and closed off. Your spirit, in contrast, is open, compassionate, and willing. Past experiences can make it difficult to access your spirit.
- The First Step is Awareness: You cannot change what you don’t see. Becoming aware of your patterns is the essential first step in changing how you show up in the world.
- Stop, Pause, Breathe: When you feel yourself becoming difficult or argumentative, the simplest way to regain control is to stop, pause for a moment, and take a few deep breaths. This creates the space needed for a different response.
- Choosing Your Response: With a moment of pause, you can tap into the value of self-awareness. This allows you to choose a more compassionate and open response, both to others and yourself.
FAQs for Why We Snap: Ego, Spirit & the value of Self-Awareness
Why do I sometimes act in ways I don’t like, such as being argumentative?
These actions are often learned protection mechanisms from your past. They were developed to keep you safe and help you survive, but they may be outdated and no longer helpful, causing you to react from a place of ego rather than your true spirit.
What is the difference between acting from the ego and the spirit?
The ego is the defensive, closed-off part of you that wants to prove a point. The spirit is your more open, willing, and compassionate side. Your protective mechanisms can sometimes block you from accessing your spirit, leading to reactive behaviour.
How can I stop being so reactive in difficult situations?
The key is to create a small gap between a trigger and your response. When you feel yourself becoming reactive, consciously stop, pause, and take a few deep breaths. This simple act gives you the chance to choose a more thoughtful and open response.
What is the most important first step to changing these behaviours?
Awareness is always the first step. You can’t change a pattern you don’t recognise. By cultivating the value of self-awareness, you begin to see your reactive moments as they happen, which is the foundation for any meaningful personal growth.
Is it bad that I have these protective mechanisms?
Not at all. Everyone develops these mechanisms to navigate the world. The goal isn’t to eliminate them but to recognise when they are no longer serving you and to consciously choose behaviours that align better with the person you want to be.