Just because we’re invested in something doesn’t mean we have to stay.
It isn’t a reason to stay. Unless we tell ourselves it is and end up trapped by our self-narrative.
This is the challenge with our self-narrative, the stories we tell ourselves. We can end up becoming trapped by them.
Why Staying Because You’re Invested Isn’t a Reason
Let’s say you hate your job, and someone asks you, “Why don’t you leave?”
Your response: “Because I’ve been here for three, five, seven, maybe even ten or more years.”
Is that a legitimate reason to stay? Just because you’ve been there for so long? Just because you’re now deeply invested in it, probably more through the routine, habit, and comfort you have in it, even though you hate it more than anything else?
Is this a reason to continue to endure the hate, discomfort and sense of dissatisfaction you have with the work you do?
In my mind, the answer is no.
We’re Not Trees: We Can Always Move
We often forget that we’re not trees. We can always move and set our lives in a new direction, despite how much time, effort or energy we have invested in something. Because that’s what these are at the end of the day: resources.
Why Changing Paths Feels Like Wasted Time and Energy
Changing paths is often difficult, a challenge, because it feels like we’ve wasted these precious resources, especially our energy, on something we’re no longer going to pursue. Psychologists call this the sunk cost fallacy.
So we question: well, then, what was the point?
The point was that what worked for us in the past, or what we once enjoyed, may not be what works for us or what we enjoy today. The work we did, or the job we started three, five, seven or ten years ago, may no longer serve us.
And just because we have invested ourselves in it doesn’t mean we can’t now move on. We can take the insights and lessons from the role, or whatever it is we’re moving on from, with us into our future.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves (and the Pressure from Others)
Moving on from something that no longer serves us often requires courage. Especially in the modern world, where we often stay trapped in jobs, relationships and circumstances. Yes, because of our self-narrative, but also because of social pressure and expectations.
“Oh, I can’t move on from this job, because what will my parents think of me?”
“Oh, if I leave this relationship, I’ve failed.”
These are the types of stories we tell ourselves, and they don’t actually lead anywhere good.
Both staying where we are and the story we tell ourselves can end up causing more distress, unease and unhappiness than if we were to simply embrace the short-term discomfort of moving on, whatever it is, and face the noise and consequences that can come along with that.
Most of the noise, most of the consequences, are short-term. Yet because they’re often immediate, we don’t want to face them.
We would rather stay where we are and endure the sense of dissatisfaction and low-level unhappiness, like there’s something missing but we’re not quite sure what it is, rather than take the leap. The jump onto the next part of our journey. The next part of our evolution.
Everything Has a Cost: Which Will You Pay?
This highlights that there are always costs to pay in this life. Life isn’t cost-free. (I’ve explored this idea before in Everything Has a Cost.)
We either pay the cost of staying where we are, of which there are plenty, but which we don’t feel as intensely, at least in the moment, because they’re mostly long-term and we’ve become numb to them. Yet they’re still there. They still reside.
Or we pay the cost of taking the leap of faith and facing the consequences that may come along with it. The judgment from others, for instance.
This begs the question: what are the costs you’re willing to pay for the life you want to live?
If you’re unhappy in any situation or circumstance, whether that’s your job, your relationship or life itself, but feel you can’t move because you’ve invested in it for a prolonged period of time, asking what costs you’re willing to pay is one I’d highly recommend.
You may realise that, no matter what you decide, there’s going to be some sort of unease or unrest.
Either the type you’ve now become numb to, but which, if endured, could, and for most people often does, exacerbate and lead to darker places.
Or the type where you may make a friend, a loved one, a family member or sections of society unhappy for a very short period of time. But then they’ll move on, as you’ll move on, and you’ll both get on with the rest of your lives.
Most People Aren’t Thinking About You as Much as You Think
It’s also worth pointing out that, most of the time, most people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think about yourself. They’re thinking about themselves. Psychologists even have a name for this: the spotlight effect.
While they may make the slight remark or comment here and there, does that actually matter? Whether it’s tomorrow, a week from now or a month from now, it will be forgotten.
The fact that you’ve quit a job will be forgotten.
The fact that you’ve ended a relationship will be forgotten.
The fact that you’ve made some big life choice that’s more in alignment with who you are and where you’re going will be forgotten. Or, at the very least, put to the back of the minds of others as they navigate the problems, challenges and hardships in their own lives.
Criticism Often Comes from Fear
And even when they do criticise you, it’s often because they’re afraid to do it themselves. You’re highlighting their own insecurities.
Think of it another way. If you push through and make the change you want, despite all you’ve invested, it may indeed inspire others, whether now or in the future, to do the same.
Whether this actually happens or not, nobody knows. But I think we’re all, at least secretly, inspired by and look up to those who have taken some big leap of faith and courage.
How we show it in the moment varies. It could display as criticism or resentment. But under the surface, I do think we secretly admire those who display courage and have faith.
The Ego and Letting Go: Good Thing, Bad Thing, Who Knows?
All of this is to say that none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. By continuing to pursue our goals, dreams and desires, and by being truly honest with ourselves about the path we want to walk, we can cultivate and design the direction our lives take through our choices, actions and decisions.
Being invested in something holds us back more than we consciously recognise. To be honest, most of us don’t even think about it, which is why we’re not conscious of it. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s often the case.
Maybe it’s an ego thing. Because we’ve invested time and energy into something, letting go of all of that is hard, and our ego doesn’t want us to.
Is the ego good or bad? Who knows? The ego is what it is. It can serve us at times and hold us back at others. This is a situation where it can quite clearly hold us back, stopping us from moving on to our next unfoldment.
How to Move On: Start with a Single Step
I just want to remind everyone, as I’ve been reminded, that the investments we’ve made in the past, and the investments we’re making today, aren’t reasons to stay where we are now.
We can take all of it, everything our life encompasses at the moment, and use it to propel our personal growth and unfoldment. To move forward as we learn, grow and continue, hopefully, to create our lives by design.
If you hate your job, are unhappy in a relationship, or unhappy in life in general, you can move. You’re not a tree.
Like most things, it’s easier said than done. Harder than just reading this and going out tomorrow to make a bunch of changes, which I don’t actually recommend. When we try to make a bunch of changes all at once, most of us get overwhelmed and end up making none.
One Small Decision Today
It starts with one small decision today to move in the direction we want to go, and building on it over time. This could look like:
- Starting a new job search right now
- Having a hard conversation with your spouse about the current state of your relationship
- Looking at new hobbies you can take up to start adding more enjoyment to your life
All great, meaningful change often starts with one single small step. Remember the quote: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
The question is, what single step are you going to take today to start moving from where you are to where you want to be? Without letting what you’ve invested in hold you back as a reason to stay where you are, despite the distress, unease and unhappiness it’s causing.
Ask Yourself What Costs You’re Willing to Pay
I go back to it: we are not trees. We can always move in a new direction by making the choice, the decision, and then taking the necessary steps and actions to do so.
Remember this the next time you’re debating whether to move on from something you intuitively feel, and know deep down, is no longer working for you. When you’re debating in your mind whether to move on, or stay with what’s often comfortable and, in most cases, doesn’t propel your personal growth and unfoldment. Sure, this isn’t always the case, but it mostly is.
When faced with such a decision, remember to ask yourself: What are the costs I’m willing to pay? Then decide, and go from there.
Just because we’re invested in something doesn’t mean we have to stay.
Key Takeaways for Overcoming the Sunk Cost Fallacy
- Investment is not a reason: Being invested in something is not a reason to stay. It only becomes one when we tell ourselves it is and get trapped by our own story.
- You are not a tree: However much time, effort or energy you have put into something, you can always move and set your life on a new path.
- Nothing is wasted: What worked for you three, five or ten years ago may not serve you today. Take the insights and lessons with you into whatever comes next.
- Everything has a cost: Staying carries long-term costs we grow numb to. Leaving carries short-term costs, like judgement from others. Ask which costs you are willing to pay for the life you want to live.
- Others forget quickly: Most people think about you far less than you think. A quit job or an ended relationship is usually forgotten within a week or a month.
- Criticism reflects fear: When people criticise a bold change, it often comes from their own fear of doing the same. Courage can quietly inspire others.
- The ego holds on: Letting go of what we have invested in is hard because the ego resists it. The ego is neither all good nor all bad, but here it can clearly hold us back.
- One small step: Making lots of changes at once usually leads to overwhelm and no change at all. Start with one small decision today, like beginning a job search, and build on it.
FAQs for Overcoming the Sunk Cost Fallacy
What is the sunk cost fallacy?
The sunk cost fallacy is staying in something because of the time, effort or energy you have already invested in it, rather than because it still serves you. It shows up in jobs, relationships and life choices. Past investment feels like a reason to stay, but it only becomes one if you tell yourself it is.
Should I stay in a job I hate because I’ve been there for years?
No. Years spent in a job are not a legitimate reason to stay if you hate it. Often what keeps you there is routine, habit and comfort, not the work itself. Take the insights and lessons from the role with you, and let them shape the next step rather than hold you in place.
Will people judge me if I quit my job or end a relationship?
Some might, but not for long. Most people are thinking about themselves far more than they are thinking about you. A remark here and there is usually forgotten within a week or a month. When criticism does come, it often reflects their own fear of making a similar leap.
What does it cost to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy?
Staying costs you long-term distress, unease and a low-level unhappiness, like something is missing. Because these costs build slowly, most of us grow numb to them, but they remain. Endured for long enough, they can lead to darker places. Leaving has costs too, but they are mostly short term.
How do I start making a big life change without getting overwhelmed?
Start with one small step today, not a dozen changes at once. Trying to change everything together overwhelms most people, and they end up changing nothing. Your first step could be starting a job search, having an honest conversation with your spouse, or trying a new hobby. Then build on it over time.
Is the time I invested wasted if I walk away?
No. What worked for you or what you enjoyed in the past may simply not serve you today, and that is not wasted effort. You carry the insights and lessons with you. Your past investments can propel your growth forward instead of becoming a reason to stay where you are.
