Our emotions and feelings are often very complex.
Like, what’s the difference between feeling angry and frustrated? Or happy and joyful? 🤔
There are differences, albeit very subtle ones.
Why “Good” and “Tired” Aren’t Really Feelings
I’ve come to realise that most people, including myself, don’t know how they truly feel most of the time, and so we use basic terms like “good”, “okay”, or “tired” to describe how we feel…
But stop right there! ✋
Because these terms aren’t feelings. They’re just the very, very tip of the iceberg!
As a society, we’ve accepted this. So when we ask someone how they feel, or get asked ourselves, we reply with these basic terms and then just get on with our day.
The Conversation We All Have on Autopilot
It plays out something like this…
Someone asks us, “How are you feeling today?”
We reply, “Good, how about you?”
They reply, “That’s good. I’m feeling tired.”
We reply, “Oh, that’s too bad.”
They reply, “Yeah, had a late night.”
And the conversation continues in this fashion until we change the topic or have to rush off.
But what does “good” or “tired” or “okay”, or any of these basic terms, actually mean?!
Unpacking “Tired”: Physical, Mental or Emotional?
Take tired, for example…
When we say we’re feeling “tired”, does this mean physically tired? Or mentally tired? Or maybe emotionally drained? Or perhaps a combination of all three? Often it’s more layered than we realise; many of the hidden causes of fatigue and low energy have little to do with sleep at all.
And then the question becomes: why?
Did you not get good sleep? Did you just finish a hard workout? Maybe you have a lot of worries bubbling subconsciously and don’t know how to process them.
As you can hopefully start to see, our emotions and how we feel are far more complex than just “tired”, and there are often many factors at play.
Feeling Your Feelings Is a Skill You Can Learn
The challenge is that in our society we haven’t been taught how to feel our feelings. And feeling feelings, being emotionally intelligent, is a skill! Psychologists even have a name for the specific part of it: emotional granularity, the ability to name what you’re feeling with precision. Research suggests that simply putting a feeling into words changes activity in the brain and can lower its intensity, and that people who do this well tend to be healthier for it.
This is why one of the best things I think we can do for self-discovery, and to live our healthiest, best lives possible, is to really connect with our emotions and how we feel, beyond surface-level terms like “good”.
Using Emotions as a Feedback Tool
And instead, to use our emotions and how we feel as a feedback tool to learn and grow. This is also part of learning to navigate difficult feelings without getting stuck in them; you can’t work with what you can’t name.
It’s a life skill that never stops developing. But it’s one I believe we can cultivate if we want to, and one that will drastically improve the quality of our lives.
Key Takeaways on Why “I’m Fine” Isn’t a Feeling
- Recognise Surface Terms: Words like good, fine, or tired hide what you genuinely experience. They are merely the tip of your emotional iceberg.
- Break the Autopilot Loop: Automatic conversations prevent real connection. Stopping to reflect changes how you relate to yourself and others.
- Decode Your Energy Levels: Tiredness can be physical, mental, or emotional. Identifying the exact trigger helps you care for your body and mind effectively.
- Build Emotional Granularity: Naming precise emotions alters your brain activity and calms stress. You can learn this skill at any stage of life.
- Use Feelings as Feedback: Your emotions give you valuable data. Treat them as helpful signals to guide your daily choices and build lasting wellbeing.
FAQs for Why “I’m Fine” Isn’t a Feeling (and What to Do Instead)
Why is saying I am fine problematic?
When you answer with fine, you hide your genuine emotions. This habit stops you from exploring what your mind and body actually need.
What is emotional granularity?
It is the ability to name specific emotions with high precision. Instead of feeling bad, you pinpoint if you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or lonely.
How can you start naming your true emotions?
Pause when someone asks how you are. Take a brief breath, check in with your body, and pick a precise word that describes your state.
Can labelling emotions reduce stress?
Yes. Studies show that speaking your exact emotion lowers its intensity in your brain, helping you stay calm and grounded.
Where can you find resources to simplify your emotional health?
You can explore practical guidance with my website to build better self-awareness habits every day.
