‘We control nothing but influence everything.’
‘We don’t control what happens to us, only our response.’
‘Life is to be lived, not controlled.’
These are just three lessons on control that help us remember how little control we actually have, especially in the external world, and if seeking control is actually worth it…
Despite our best interests, to hold on so tightly and try to control any and every little part of our lives, it’s an illusion to believe that we can.
Yet that doesn’t stop us from trying. It seems to be a feature, not a bug, of the human condition that affects some of us more deeply than others, and it’s not linear.
We could be a free, flowing person in one aspect of our lives and demand control to the finest detail in another.
My Personal Experience with Control
This has definitely been my experience thus far. For example:
When it comes to health, you could say, I’m a little bit of a control freak.
This is because I believe our health is the most important area and has the biggest impact on our overall quality of life. It’s one area where we can have the most agency and influence to shape it in the direction we want to go.
I decide whether I get up and go for a run at 6 am, and I decide what foods I put in my mouth. I decide what time I go to sleep and wake up in the morning. I decide whether to meditate or not, the list goes on. You get my point.
This all manifests in the belief that health is our responsibility, not anyone else’s. We can’t outsource it.
It’s up to us.
Maybe this is a good manifestation of control, but it’s not without its downfalls.
I hardly ever eat out because most restaurants use ingredients I don’t consume, and I leave opportunities on the table because I’d rather get a workout in than pursue them, and that’s without even mentioning that I only stay up late on special occasions, such as birthdays, Christmas, and New Year’s, and am in bed at or before 10 pm every night.
However, remember that everything has a cost…
And these are the costs I’m willing to pay when it comes to health.
Most of these aren’t hard for me any more.
And, although at times I could let go a little more, when it comes to health, I see these as more lifestyle choices that I’ve made and continue to make.
The Real Challenge: People and the External World
The challenge with control comes from navigating the external world and relationships, which is where I think many of us struggle the most and the lessons such as…
‘We don’t control what happens to us, only our response.’
… really begin to take shape!
After a lot of inner work, I’ve realised this is why I turn inwards and focus on what I perceive I can control, aka my health, and how I show up in the world.
These are the areas where I feel I have the greatest control. Whether this is perceived control or actual control, who knows, but it at least feels that I have greater amounts of it, and this is reassuring for most of us.
Are We Even Seeking Control?
What I have come to question, especially with navigating relationships and the external world, is whether control is actually what we seek?
Or is it more about having agency and influence?
Understanding Agency and Influence
I define agency as having self-directedness and a feeling that you can, and are capable of, “making things happen” in the world.
On the other hand, influence is about having an input that helps to change or guide a situation for the betterment of yourself and others.
That’s where influence differs from manipulation, as manipulation is more about directing people down a path that they may not necessarily want to go down, but do, even though it’s not best for them. It’s best for you.
Both agency and influence could be what most of us are actually striving for, rather than control. And I don’t know about you, but the felt experience of them is much better than always seeking control, control, control.
Why We Grasp for Control
My theory behind this is that control is often driven more by ego, and when we feel the need to control, it’s because we don’t feel enough as we already are.
We don’t feel capable of handling life’s inevitable challenges, and therefore resort to control tactics as a false sense of security. Again, this is an illusion!
Agency is more about freedom, expression, and creation, which I believe is part of what it means to be human, i.e., to express ourselves, be a creator, and use our self-directedness for good.
Another perspective is that control could be an evolutionary mechanism that we’ve developed to help us feel and keep safe. And if that’s the case, it’s done and is doing its job.
Learning to Let Go
That said, I do believe that, for the most part, we can all learn to let go a little bit more, crave a little bit less control, and be more open and curious. I think that this would be a net positive for most of us, society, and the world at large.
I mean, at the end of the day, if control is an illusion, if we control nothing but influence everything, and life is to be lived, not controlled, what are we doing chasing control (or a false sense of it) for anyway?
I keep coming back to it, but it’s an illusion. We’re chasing something we’re never gonna get.
Control isn’t the answer. Agency and influence might well just be.
The Key Takeaways on Control, Agency, and Influence
- The Illusion of Control: Recognise that trying to manage every detail of your life is often impossible. Much of what happens in the external world is simply not within your command.
- Control in Personal Health: You have significant agency over your health choices, like diet and exercise. However, this can come with social costs, so finding a personal balance is key.
- Challenges with People: The true difficulty with control arises in your relationships and interactions with the outside world. Here, your value lies not in controlling others, but in managing your own responses.
- Agency Over Control: Consider that what you might truly be searching for is not absolute control, but agency. This is the empowering feeling that you are capable of directing your own life and making things happen.
- The Role of Influence: Focus on developing influence, which is about positively guiding situations for the benefit of everyone involved. This is a healthier alternative to manipulation, which is purely self-serving.
- Why You Seek Control: The need for control often comes from the ego or a sense of insecurity. It acts as a false safety net against life’s uncertainties.
- The Freedom in Letting Go: By accepting that total control is unattainable and learning to let go, you can become more open and curious, which can positively impact your life and relationships.
FAQs for Control Isn’t the Answer
Why is trying to control everything in my life a bad idea?
Chasing total control is often described as chasing an illusion. You can’t manage every external event or the actions of other people, only your own response. Focusing on what you can influence, rather than control, leads to less frustration and a more fulfilling life.
Is it ever good to be a “control freak”?
In certain areas, like your personal health, having a high degree of control can be beneficial. You decide what you eat, when you exercise, and how you rest. However, it’s important to be aware of the potential social costs and strive for a healthy balance that works for you.
What is the difference between agency and control?
Control is about trying to rigidly manage outcomes, which is often impossible. Agency, on the other hand, is about having the freedom and capability to direct your own actions and feel like you can make things happen. It’s about self-directedness, not domination over external factors.
How is influence different from manipulation?
Influence is about having a positive input that helps guide a situation for the betterment of yourself and others. Manipulation is about directing people down a path that serves only your own interests, often against their own.
If control is an illusion, what should I focus on instead?
Instead of chasing control, focus on cultivating agency and influence. Agency gives you a sense of capability in your own life, while influence allows you to guide situations positively. This shift can lead to greater personal freedom and better relationships.
