Challenges, hardships, and unfortunate situations and events are an innate part of life and of what it means to be human.
Fighting them, and the emotions and feelings that come along with them, often causes more distress than the challenges themselves.
Accepting such events, let alone embracing them, isn’t always easy. We’re wired to be more negative than positive. In fact, I’ve found it’s often much easier to focus on what’s wrong, despite all that we have to be thankful for.
Why Acceptance Is the Way Through
Acceptance, though, is often the way through our most difficult moments.
Not the type where we’re resigned to reality. Where we feel we have no choice or sense of agency, where we’re just resigned to reality as it is and feel that life is purely happening to us. That type of acceptance often sparks apathy, unhappiness and depression, and can lead people into the depths of hopelessness and despair.
What Is Radical Acceptance?
I’m talking about a different type of acceptance. Radical acceptance, even. The kind where we don’t fight reality.
Remember: reality doesn’t need you to operate it. Let go, or be dragged.
At the same time, we cultivate our sense of agency and personal choice, which is always available to us, even in the times when we don’t feel that it is.
This is a reminder I need to give myself at the best of times. It’s so easy to fall into the mindset, the self-narrative, that we don’t have a choice and that life is purely happening to us.
Radical acceptance is accepting the situation, and the emotions and feelings that follow, for what they are. Not fighting them, not fighting reality, and not reacting to them. Instead, responding with the mindset of:
Okay, this is the situation. This is my set of circumstances. This is reality. And this is what I’m going to do about it.
Radical Acceptance Is a Practice
Cultivating such a mindset doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a practice in and of itself, one that takes conscious energy, effort, presence and time. However, like anything worthwhile, it can be cultivated through repetition, and over time it becomes how we live life.
Once it’s cultivated, when an unpleasant situation occurs, instead of defaulting to some kind of emotional reaction or outburst, or falling into the depths of despair, we’re able to stop ourselves in our tracks. To pause, take a moment, and respond rather than react with a higher level of consciousness.
From there, we see more of the situation for what it truly is, and respond more healthily. We’re not fighting it or how we feel about it. We’re responding from a place of choice and agency.
At the very least, this feels more empowering. Life isn’t purely happening to us, with no influence or say in the matter.
Control vs Agency: They Aren’t the Same
Remember: we control less than we think we do, but influence everything.
Many people, myself included in the past, confuse control with agency. They aren’t the same.
Agency is about choice. It’s about looking at the choices in front of us and picking the one that’s most in alignment with who we are and where we’re going.
It’s not about trying to control every minute detail or the outcome. That often just leads to more distress and unease (something I’ve explored in how to help others without needing control).
That, at least, is what my experience shows me. When we focus on actions and develop a bias towards action by cultivating choice and agency rather than fixating on outcomes, life becomes just that little bit better.
Better in the sense that we feel more aligned, calmer, content, peaceful and, overall, at ease. Rather than in constant states of unrest, unease, anxiety, sadness and despair.
How to Practise Radical Acceptance in Everyday Life
To get to a place of radical acceptance, some form of mindfulness is often required, at least in my experience. Something that helps us step out of the chaotic, busy lives so many of us lead and return to the present moment, which is where life is actually lived.
Does a meditation or mindfulness practice help? Sure. Would I recommend it? Absolutely. But I recognise that not everyone is going to integrate such a practice, for whatever reason, and that’s okay.
It just takes a couple of moments out of our everyday lives. When we’re taking a break from work, eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, or driving home at the end of a long day. A moment to check in with ourselves and think about the things in our lives (the uncomfortable situations, emotions and feelings) that we’re fighting. And to practise sitting with them, accepting them as they are.
What we’re doing is developing our mindfulness muscle to accept life and reality, as it is.
From Acceptance to Action: I Happen to Life
From here, we can begin to cultivate choice and agency by identifying what we can do to make the situation, whatever it is, just that little bit better.
It doesn’t mean we fix the whole situation or challenge we’re facing. It means we’re cultivating a sense of I happen to life, rather than life happens to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. We do that by taking a step in a forward, positive, momentum-building direction.
As the famous quote from Lao Tzu says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Overcoming difficult, challenging situations and hardships in our lives often requires taking that single step.
That’s what radical acceptance, the type of acceptance I’m learning to cultivate more of, enables us to do. Rather than the other type (and I don’t really have a name for it), where we’re stuck in a sense of hopelessness and despair.
These two types of acceptance have very different consequences and outcomes once cultivated. Having experienced both, I recommend the more action-led approach: radical acceptance, paired with cultivating our sense of choice and agency.
At the end of the day, at the very least, it just feels better. And it moves us into action, which builds momentum and creates consistency.
It’s action, momentum and consistency that will enable us to change our situation. And, therefore, change our lives.
Key Takeaways for How Nature Puts Life Into Perspective
- Nature’s vastness: Time spent taking in nature makes both daily inconveniences and big life worries feel less potent, prompting you to question what really matters.
- Nature is not a fix: A walk, a hike or a sit by the sea will not solve financial, health or relationship struggles, but it can give you a fresh perspective and the energy to seek new solutions.
- Meaning over problem: How you view a challenge, and the meaning you attach to it, often matters more than the challenge itself.
- Separation and space: Nature creates a little distance from intense emotions, so you can see your situation through a different lens.
- Suffering in the mind: We often suffer more in our minds than in reality, so ask whether a problem is really as big as you are making it out to be.
- Lacking perspective is human: Losing perspective during intense emotions is part of the human condition, not a flaw to criticise yourself for.
- Respond, not react: Feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad, and build the skill to self-regulate more quickly as you grow.
- Five to ten minutes: A short spell in nature using all of your senses, practised consistently, builds presence, energy and clarity.
FAQs for Radical Acceptance and Agency
What is radical acceptance?
Radical acceptance means accepting a situation, and the emotions that come with it, for what they are, without fighting reality. It is not giving up. You acknowledge what is happening, then respond from a place of choice: this is the situation, this is reality, and this is what I am going to do about it.
Is radical acceptance the same as giving up?
No, radical acceptance is not the same as giving up. Resigned acceptance assumes you have no choice and that life is simply happening to you, which can spark apathy, hopelessness and despair. Radical acceptance stops you fighting reality while keeping your sense of agency, so you can still choose your next step.
What is the difference between control and agency?
Control is trying to manage every detail and the outcome. Agency is choosing between the options in front of you and picking the one most aligned with who you are and where you are going. Trying to control everything often leads to more distress, while focusing on choice and action brings more calm.
Do you need to meditate to practise radical acceptance?
No, you do not need a formal meditation practice, although it does help. A couple of moments during a work break, a meal or the drive home is enough to check in with yourself, notice what you are fighting, and practise sitting with it as it is.
How do you build agency when you feel stuck?
Start by identifying one small thing you can do to make the situation a little better. It does not have to fix everything. Taking a single step shifts you from feeling that life happens to you towards feeling that you happen to life, and that action builds momentum and consistency.
How long does it take to cultivate radical acceptance?
Radical acceptance does not happen overnight. It is a practice that takes conscious energy, effort, presence and time. Through repetition it gradually becomes how you live, so when something unpleasant happens you can pause and respond with more awareness rather than default to an emotional reaction.
