How people perceive us isn’t directly within our control.
A Recent Lesson in Perception vs Reality
A recent example from my own life, at the time of writing: after the low point, feeling down, unhappy, sad, apathetic, and lacking interest in many things, I made several positive life changes as a result and reclaimed a sense of agency. Since then, I’ve felt there’s been an uptake in my overall mood and emotional and mental state.
That’s at least been my felt experience, which I’ve tracked using How We Feel, a free emotional tracking and journaling platform I’d highly recommend to anyone.
The contrast between the end of May and the beginning of June, compared to the end of June and the beginning of July, is stark, somewhat proving and backing up my felt experience.
However, despite this, what started as a casual conversation with a loved one turned into realising that this didn’t manifest to the external world, at least according to this person.
Meaning that although I felt an uptake in my mood and overall mental and emotional state, they perceived otherwise and questioned whether it was really the case.
For them, it appeared that I still had more days than not where I was low, down, and seemingly not a happy person, whatever that actually means. More on that later.
The Mismatch Between Felt Experience and Perception
This points to the mismatch between how we can feel internally, our felt experience of the world, and how we’re perceived by others. And that we can do all that we can, invest so much time and energy into trying to be perceived by others in a certain way, yet fall short, no matter how hard we try.
I’m still determining what all of this actually means. My initial insight is to invest less time, and especially energy, trying to be perceived by others in a specific way, most of the time in a good or positive way, because let’s be real, none of us want to be perceived negatively, and invest more time honouring ourselves, being who we are, acting on our good, positive intentions, helping and being kind to others, and overall living in accordance with our highest values and principles.
In other words, to invest more time and energy in designing and living a good life, our best lives possible.
When we give less time to trying to appease or be perceived by others in a specific way, we will not only design an aligned life that feels good because we’re not an imposter living a lie, but we will also manifest this to the external world, which will more likely influence how we’re perceived by others in the way we desire. It has a second-order effect.
That said, as my recent experience has taught me, it’s not going to have a 100% hit rate, which isn’t the intended goal because how we’re perceived by others has many contributing factors we don’t even recognise, let alone forget.
These factors include the emotional and mental state and current life situation of the people around us, to name a few.
It also confirms that our perspective shapes our reality. Both our reality and the reality of those around us.
Emotional Contagion and Taking Things Personally
A previous version of me would have taken this casual conversation too personally, too close to heart, and would have beaten myself up for still being down and unhappy, at least in the eyes of this other person, which would trigger a series of thoughts and mental chatter about how it’s unfair for my unhappiness to spread to others, causing them to be potentially unhappy, or just feel uncomfortable around me. This is called emotional contagion, when we unconsciously absorb the emotions, behaviours, and physiological states of those around us.
I try not to allow this to happen by taking responsibility for my emotions and how I feel. And previously would have beaten myself up, stated how this is unfair, and how I need to change, which doesn’t work, by the way.
Instead, I looked at this situation as unfortunate and definitely not my intention, accepting responsibility for my role, and my role only, and to identify and learn the lessons to grow and evolve.
A key part of that is not taking everything so personally, to have a more open and willing heart and mind, and to see things, life itself, even from another person’s perspective, while not neglecting our own felt experience. Both can exist simultaneously.
Because at the end of the day, our felt experience matters, and I know that the changes I’ve made have positively impacted me, even if they haven’t manifested themselves to the external world… yet.
It also brings up an important life lesson:
We control nothing, but influence everything.
As alluded to, we can influence how we’re perceived by others, but we don’t control it, and trying to just leads to more angst, tension, and heartache than I think is necessary.
In fact, it’s draining. If you think time is our most valuable resource, think again. At least for me, our energy is our most precious resource, and always trying to appease others and be perceived in a certain way is one of the most energy-draining things we can do.
Rethinking What “Happy” Even Means
There’s also the point on happiness that I want to squash. Happiness is often fleeting; it comes and goes.
So when people say you don’t seem very happy, I don’t know about you, but this is often very mystifying in terms of what they actually mean.
Even the best of us have days when we might not be all jumping for joy and happy and bubbly. At the end of the day, we’re all different, and some of us may at least be perceived as being more of a low-mood person than a high-energy happy person, and that’s okay.
The essence of the place we’re trying to get to is one of peace and contentment, fulfilment even within ourselves and life itself.
To, at the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, not be too high and not be too low, but to be somewhere in the middle. That’s what I think we’re striving for. Well, that’s the case for me, and maybe you can resonate with this too.
TLDR
We can’t control how we’re perceived by others. Can we influence it? Yes. Control it? No.
Instead, focus on honouring yourself, being who you truly are and designing your life in alignment with your highest values, whatever they are.
When we try too hard to appease others and be perceived in a certain way, it just ends up draining our energy, which, at least in my opinion, is our most valuable resource.
And they’re going to perceive you how they’re going to perceive you anyway, whether you like it or not. It’s a game we can influence, but a game we cannot win.
Key Takeaways: You Can’t Control How Others Perceive You
- Internal vs. External Reality: Your own felt experience, like an improvement in your mood, may not always match how others perceive you from the outside. There can be a significant mismatch between your internal state and your external manifestation.
- Focus on Authentic Living: Instead of draining your energy trying to manage how you are perceived, invest that energy in living a life aligned with your highest values. This authenticity is more likely to positively influence others’ perceptions as a natural side effect.
- Influence, Don’t Control: You can influence how people see you through your actions and intentions, but you cannot control it. Trying to control perception leads to unnecessary tension and heartache. Don’t take others’ views too personally; their perception is also shaped by their own experiences.
- Redefine Happiness: Constant happiness is an unrealistic goal. Aim for a state of peace, contentment, and fulfilment. It’s perfectly fine not to be a high-energy, bubbly person all the time; a balanced, middle ground is a more sustainable state of being.
FAQs for You Can’t Control How Others Perceive You
Why is there often a mismatch between how I feel and how others see me?
Your internal, felt experience is personal and complex. Others can only perceive your external actions and expressions, which are filtered through their own moods, life situations, and biases. This creates a natural gap between your reality and their perception of it.
What should I focus on instead of trying to control others’ perceptions?
You should concentrate on living authentically. Invest your time and energy in honouring your true self and acting in line with your core values and principles. This creates a more fulfilling life for you but also naturally influences how you are perceived in a more genuine way.
How can I avoid taking negative perceptions personally?
Remember that you only have influence, not control. Accept your role in any interaction without absorbing blame for another person’s perception. View their perspective as just that, one perspective, and understand that your felt experience is equally valid. Both realities can exist at the same time.
Is it okay if I don’t seem ‘happy’ all the time?
Absolutely. Happiness is often a fleeting emotion. A more sustainable and fulfilling goal is to cultivate a sense of inner peace, contentment, and fulfilment. Everyone has different energy levels, and it’s perfectly fine to be a more low-key person rather than constantly appearing joyful.
