A lot of our anger, frustration, upset, and sadness comes from the inability to control, or feel like we have a sense of control over, the outside world.
Think about it…
The last time you were angry, frustrated, or upset with a friend, family member, or work colleague, it came from them doing or not doing something you wanted them to do or not do…
Or from them saying something that hurt you, either intentionally or not.
Now, I’m not saying this is either right or wrong…
In fact, I pride myself on being a good person, which to me means being considerate, kind, caring, loving, thoughtful, and bringing joy and happiness to others. When I upset someone, I feel really bad and want to put it right straight away!
That’s probably another conversation for another day…
We Can’t Control Others, Only Ourselves
The point here is that we have zero control over what someone does, or doesn’t do, or says, or doesn’t say, yet it can affect our lives in profound ways! (In truth, we can’t even control how others perceive us, let alone what they do.)
What I’ve realised more and more is that if a lot of our anger and upset stems from the actions of others, and what we perceive those actions to mean, then we’re going to be at the mercy of them, often unconsciously, for a great amount of time.
And I don’t believe that’s the best or healthiest way to live life. Do you?!
The Universal Truth: Control What’s Within
That’s why really getting to grips with what I believe to be a universal truth, that anything outside of us is outside of our control, and all we can control is what’s within (our thoughts, emotions, feelings, choices, actions, responses, and so on), is the way to live not only a healthier life, but a more peaceful one too! Interestingly, this isn’t a new idea at all; it’s one of the oldest in philosophy. The Stoics called it the dichotomy of control: focus on what’s yours to change, and make peace with the rest.
Why It’s a Daily Practice (and We’ll Fall)
This isn’t easy. I’ve found it to be a daily practice, with the awareness that at times we’re going to fall…
At times we’re not going to be able to control our emotions or feelings the way we want to, or express them most healthily. In those moments, understanding why we snap helps us come back to ourselves faster.
Or at times we’re not going to make the best decision, the one we look back on and think, what was I thinking?!
I know I’ve had a few of those.
Then this happens: we get back up, learn, and continue on our way. We keep practising directing our energy, focus, and attention to what we can control. And for the most part, that isn’t what’s outside of us; it’s what’s within!
Key Takeaways on Controlling What You Can
- Recognise Your Limits: You cannot direct how others act, speak, or think, so relying on their choices for your peace will cause ongoing frustration.
- Focus Inside: True peace comes from directing your attention to your own thoughts, emotions, and actions.
- Embrace the Process: Managing your responses is a daily habit where slipping up happens, so learn from your mistakes and simply reset.
FAQs for You Can’t Control Others, So Stop Trying
Why do other people’s actions upset you so much?
You often tie your peace of mind to how others behave. When someone says or does something unexpected or hurtful, you feel frustrated because you cannot force them to act differently.
What is the dichotomy of control?
It is an ancient Stoic concept showing that external events and other people are outside your command. You can only guide your internal responses, choices, and attitude.
How can you start focusing on what you can control?
Pause whenever you feel angry or overwhelmed. Ask yourself if the situation is within your direct influence. If it rests on someone else, shift your focus back to your own thoughts and actions.
Can you change your emotional reactions immediately?
No, it requires daily effort. You will occasionally lose your temper or make poor choices, but you can learn from those moments and refocus without self-judgement.
