Here’s the thing:
When we don’t allow ourselves to truly feel feelings, they manifest in alternative ways.
This could be…
- Reacting defensively to a loved one
- Coming across as distant
- Approaching a conversation angrily
Etc.
The list is endless.
The skill is to learn to feel our feelings without reacting or casting judgment, i.e. anger emerges, and we judge it as bad, or joy emerges, and we say, oh, this is good.
Every emotion is neither good nor bad. It is a feedback tool to learn and grow from. They’re signals. And they can tell us a lot about ourselves, the situations we may find ourselves in, and the trajectory of our lives.
Why We Struggle to Truly Feel Our Feelings
Unfortunately, many of us haven’t:
- Given ourselves permission to truly feel our feelings
- Learned the tools to feel our feelings without reacting or casting judgment
Reacting by Default
Instead, when experiencing emotions, we react unconsciously, almost by default.
The emotion takes over us and, before we know it, we’ve reacted in ways that we wouldn’t even consciously think of.
It’s like a red mist comes over us, and we can only see clearly once it’s passed.
But by then, we’re often left feeling disappointed, upset, sad, and frustrated with ourselves that it’s happened again, and we’ve reacted the way we have.
This is called second-, third-, and fourth-degree emotions: disappointment at reacting angrily, sadness at our disappointment, and frustration at our sadness.
The Cost of Suppressing Emotions
It goes to show how complex our emotions and feelings really are.
And it all stems from:
- Not truly feeling feelings
- Not having the tools to respond instead of reacting
A much healthier way of expressing our emotions is to learn how to respond consciously and communicate them in an honest, open, and calm manner.
Of course, this is much harder said than done in the heat of an emotion.
However, what other alternative do we have?
We can either continue to react emotionally and be a victim of our own feelings, or we can learn how to truly feel feelings and respond instead of reacting, if we really want to create our lives by design with more ease and flow.
Sitting With Discomfort
For example, someone upsets you.
Instead of reacting angrily and getting caught in the heat of the moment, stop. Pause. Take a breath and sit with how you feel (yes, this is the uncomfortable part).
Then, in a calm, open, honest manner, share how you truly feel without any judgment whatsoever. Neuroscience supports this too, simply naming what we feel reduces activity in the amygdala, the brain’s emotional reactivity centre.
Why Non-Judgement Changes Everything
How we feel isn’t good or bad; it’s purely our experience.
Non-judgement, alongside sitting with feelings, are the hard bits.
We’re creatures that so often like to judge. It happens almost by default if we’re not conscious about it.
We also tend to run away from any sign of discomfort, especially in the modern world, where we’ve become so comfortable that the smallest sign of discomfort sends us into a panic, frenzy, or emotional meltdown.
Yet we all know that discomfort, challenge, and hard things are inevitable. Life is a journey of ups, downs, trials, tribulations, and hard moments.
It’s not what happens that matters, but how we choose to respond, not react.
And by responding consciously, not reacting, and communicating openly and honestly without holding on so tightly to our judgements, we’re in a better place to navigate this thing called life and the challenges that come along with it.
Not only that, but by communicating and sharing in this way, we understand each other better, develop deeper relationships, and hopefully get to learn a thing or two about ourselves.
Creating a Life With More Ease and Flow
Simply put:
When we learn to give ourselves permission to truly feel feelings without judgment, we will gradually be in a better place to navigate this thing called life with less emotional and mental anguish, upset, and distress.
Remember: we suffer more in our minds than we do in reality.
Most of the time, this is a result of suppressing emotions, not truly feeling them.
At the end of the day, emotions are energy in motion and have to be expressed in one way or another.
I’d rather learn the tools and practices of expressing them consciously, rather than being a victim of them and causing chaos along the way.
Emotional work isn’t easy. Self-work isn’t easy.
They’re worth it, and necessary if we want to live our best lives by design with more ease and flow.
I know the path I chose. What about you?
The Key Takeaways on Feeling Your Feelings
- Why We Struggle: Many of us haven’t learned how to feel our emotions without reacting by default. Suppressing feelings often leads to unconscious, negative reactions that cause disappointment and frustration.
- The value of the Pause: Instead of reacting in the heat of the moment, you can learn to stop, breathe, and sit with the discomfort. Simply naming the emotion you’re experiencing can reduce its intensity.
- Non-Judgement is Key: Viewing your feelings as signals, not as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, changes everything. This non-judgmental approach helps you navigate life’s challenges more effectively and build deeper connections with others.
- Create a Life with Ease: Consciously processing your emotions is a skill that leads to less mental anguish. By choosing to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting, you can design a life with more ease and flow.
FAQs for The Skill of Truly Feeling Feelings
What happens if I suppress my emotions?
When you don’t allow yourself to truly feel your feelings, they don’t just disappear. They often manifest in other ways, such as reacting defensively to a loved one, appearing distant, or approaching situations with anger.
What is the difference between reacting and responding to a feeling?
Reacting is an unconscious, almost default, behaviour where the emotion takes over, often leading to actions you later regret. Responding is a conscious choice. It involves pausing, feeling the emotion without judgment, and then deciding how to communicate or act in a calm and honest way.
Why is it so difficult to just sit with my feelings?
Many of us are conditioned to avoid discomfort and to judge our emotions instantly. Modern life often encourages seeking comfort, so sitting with a challenging feeling can seem counterintuitive. It is a skill that requires practice, but it’s essential for emotional growth.
How can I feel my emotions without judging them?
Start by reminding yourself that emotions are simply feedback, like signals from your body. They are not inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Try to observe the feeling with curiosity rather than labelling it. This practice, as explored, helps you learn from your emotions instead of being controlled by them.
Does naming my emotion actually do anything?
Yes, it does. Neuroscience shows that the simple act of naming what you feel reduces activity in the amygdala, which is the brain’s emotional reactivity centre. This helps to calm the emotional storm, giving you the space to respond more thoughtfully.