Whether it’s our mother, brother, sister, father, auntie, uncle, cousin, a great friend, or even a stranger on the street, seeing people, especially our loved ones, upset, distraught, struggling, or dysregulated, triggers a deep urge to help and a desire to end their suffering.
The Fix-It Instinct and Why We Default to It
We want to fix the problem. Whatever the problem is.
We rush to help, desperately trying to think of all the ways we can solve the issue.
Lived experience has shown me that this is especially true for certain parts of society.
Why Men Feel This Urge So Strongly
Men, for example.
It’s in our DNA.
Many of us guys form our identity and sense of self-worth on the premise of being able to provide, fix problems, and be the strong one in the room.
We see a problem, someone struggling, and we instantly, almost automatically, go into fix-it mode.
We will be the person who fixes the problem and save the day.
While this isn’t necessarily good or bad, it just is, I’ve realised that it’s not always the best response.
Honestly, it’s not a response at all. It’s a reaction. We don’t even know we’re doing it most of the time.
And instead, sometimes, maybe most of the time, fix-it mode isn’t actually required.
We guys have to learn how to navigate this reaction consciously, not just for ourselves, but for the long-term health and quality of our relationships.
Parenthood and the Need to Protect
Parents are another part of society that has this strong tendency. It’s their parental instinct.
And until we become a parent, we won’t fully get it. No matter how much we try.
We could deploy all the empathy and compassion in the world, but until we become a parent, we won’t fully understand what it means or how much it changes one’s outlook and perspective on life.
(Oh, and by the way, at the time of writing, I’m not a parent. This insight is purely through observation, being a son and navigating the world.)
While my experience tells me that men and parents feel this more deeply, the instinct to rush, help people, and fix problems, anyone with half a heart will feel this urge when they see others upset.
It’s part of what it means to be human. It’s our humanness.
When Fixing Isn’t Required
Here’s the thing:
As I’ve learned the hard way, fixing isn’t required. Sometimes, often, even, there is nothing to fix.
Say what?!
And all the people around us need is for us to “sit in the mud with them”, as Simon Sinek would say.
In other words, all our loved ones need at times of hardship is for us to be there, to comfort them in their time of sorrow.
This may or may not require us to say anything at all. It may simply require us to be present with them.
A lot of us struggle with this.
Because we desperately want to help, and we mistake helping for “doing something” practical.
And sitting, being present, isn’t practical. Or so we believe.
I’m no different. When I first heard the concept of “sitting in the mud with people”, I found it challenging to comprehend. And while I understand it better now, in practice, it’s still challenging.
There’s a subtle art to it that we never stop cultivating, and the best way to get better at it is through practice.
I also struggled with this at first because I’m sensitive to, and have a hard time navigating, negativity. I typically don’t have much time for people feeling sorry for themselves and wallowing in the “poor me” mindset.
We all have challenges, issues, and problems that arise in our lives. It’s our attitude and response to these events that matter.
Life has shown me that wallowing rarely leads to anything good. So, with these foundational beliefs, I mistakenly confused “sitting in the mud with people” and empathy and compassion for our fellow humans, with self-pity and encouraging this behaviour.
But they’re different.
The two aren’t the same.
Feeling Feelings vs Suppressing Them
Sitting in the mud with people is often for a relatively short period of time, where people give themselves permission to truly feel their feelings, ideally without reacting or casting judgment. But that, in itself, can take time.
This is vitally important.
Rather than what most of us do, which is to disregard our feelings and say they don’t matter, to just get on with things without feeling anything at all.
Why Suppression Backfires
This is called suppression.
And it only leads to bad things later on.
Remember: what we suppress only grows stronger.
It’s at least one reason why rushing in to fix things and being the hero doesn’t work.
Because our loved ones, or anyone we’re trying to help, are on their own journey. They’re processing whatever they’re going through in their own time, to come out the other side, hopefully stronger, wiser, and a better person.
Our role is to be there for support and on hand, ready to help them take the next step forward when they’re ready to do so.
Sure, we can encourage them. And I do encourage that.
Because we’re all susceptible to “sitting in the mud” for a little too long, especially with the attention it can bring.
At the end of the day, we’re only human. And attention is a fundamental human need, even if we think we don’t need it and value our alone time. Our psyches are complex.
Wallowing, Attention, and the ‘Poor Me’ Mindset
Whereas wallowing and the “poor me” mindset, as the phrase suggests, is a mindset. It’s an outlook on life that feels inherently unfair, blames others for problems, feels helpless, and is self-centred.
It may trick us into thinking that we’re feeling our feelings, hence why we feel the way we do, but this is an illusion.
Oftentimes, in this place, we aren’t feeling our true emotions out of fear. We suppress them.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Emotions often don’t last as long as we think they do.
And once we give ourselves permission to truly feel them, and then let them go, we become freer and more liberated.
A fascinating insight is that anything after that is the mind hooking onto them. This is just one input that affects our overall mental state and mindset.
And if we hang on to unpleasant, high- or low-energy emotions, such as anger (high) or sadness (low), and ruminate in this place, then it’s no wonder we develop a negative, pessimistic, “poor me” mindset. Especially if it comes with the attention that so many of us crave.
Helping on Their Terms, Not Ours
The bottom line is this:
None of us, no matter how good our intentions or how upset our loved ones are, can fix their problems or be the hero of the day.
If we believe we can, and that it’s our responsibility to do so, this is known as the saviour complex, the belief that we need to “save” people by fixing their problems.
If we truly want to help, our primary job is to be there and learn the art of sitting in the mud with our fellow humans.
That’s it. And it’s harder than it sounds.
We will feel uncomfortable.
We will not always know what to say.
We will think and feel that we need to do something more practical or meaningful, failing to recognise that being there, sitting in the mud with them, on hand and ready to help further if required, and remembering that helping is derived on their terms, not ours, is often all they need.
The TL;DR is this:
In times of sadness or challenge, be there, and sit in the mud with people.
That’s all we need to do.
The Key Takeaways on Supporting Others
- Recognise the Fix-It Instinct: Your urge to solve problems for loved ones is a natural reaction, often rooted in a desire to provide and protect, but it isn’t always the most helpful response.
- Embrace Presence Over Action: Often, the best support you can offer is simply being there. Learning to “sit in the mud” with someone means providing comfort and presence without needing to find a practical solution.
- Allow Space for Feelings: Rushing to fix things can interrupt a person’s necessary emotional process. Suppressing feelings can lead to bigger issues, so allowing someone to feel is a vital part of their process.
- Distinguish Feeling from Wallowing: There is a clear difference between giving yourself permission to feel an emotion and getting stuck in a self-pitying mindset. True emotional processing is temporary, while wallowing is a prolonged state that avoids true feelings.
- Help on Their Terms: Your role is to be a supporter, not a saviour. True help involves being available and ready to assist when the person is ready, according to their needs, not your own impulse to take control.
FAQs for Why “Fixing” Isn’t Helping
What does it mean to “sit in the mud” with someone?
It means being fully present with someone during their difficult time without trying to solve their problem. It’s about offering your quiet support, listening, and showing empathy, letting them know they are not alone in their struggle.
Why do I feel such a strong urge to fix people’s problems?
This “fix-it” instinct is a common human reaction, often tied to a deep-seated desire to protect and provide for those you care about. For many, self-worth can be linked to being a problem-solver. Recognising this is the first step to choosing a more supportive response.
Is it wrong to offer solutions to someone who is struggling?
It’s not inherently wrong, but it’s often unhelpful if it’s your immediate reaction. Offering solutions can invalidate the person’s feelings and prevent them from processing their experience. The key is to first offer presence and support, and only provide practical help when they are ready and ask for it.
How can I tell if someone is just wallowing instead of healthily feeling their emotions?
Feeling emotions is a temporary process of acknowledging and experiencing a feeling to let it go. Wallowing, or a “poor me” mindset, is a more permanent state that often involves blaming others, feeling helpless, and seeking attention without moving forward. It’s a mindset, not a momentary feeling.
What if I feel awkward just sitting there in silence?
Feeling uncomfortable is completely normal. We are conditioned to believe that helping means “doing.” Remember that your presence is a powerful action in itself. You don’t always need words. A comforting presence can be more meaningful than any advice you could give.
