An observation from my own life is how differently we can treat our loved ones compared to strangers, acquaintances, people we just know, and the people who just know us…
Sure, none of us knows what truly goes on behind closed doors.
However, I’m confident that I’m not the only one who has noticed this phenomenon.
The Strange Divide Between Public and Private Behaviour
It’s crazy, often perplexing, how we can subconsciously act in ways that make us feel we can get away with treating loved ones far differently than we would treat a stranger or in social settings.
In these settings, we suddenly seem to develop the superpower of holding our tongue more often than not, reacting less, and, overall, at least externally, putting on a good show of showing up as our best selves.
It’s like we put on a persona that demonstrates to the external world how much of a good person we truly are!
Psychology seems to back this up; our tolerance for the people we spend the most time with tends to diminish over time, not because we love them less, but because familiarity lowers our guard.
Why We Lose Patience Behind Closed Doors
Yet behind closed doors, with our loved ones, whether that’s a spouse, parent, or sibling, all it can take is an innocent question or passing comment for us to fly off the handle, react instead of respond, and have so much less patience than we do in any given social context or environment.
I find this perplexing, because isn’t it the case that if we were to treat anyone with the utmost amount of kindness, respect, love, care, and understanding, it should be the people we love and care for the most, not necessarily someone we’ve met once at a social event and are putting on a show for?
That said, I don’t like using words such as should, because I believe they hold a lot of us back, and it’s worth mentioning that I don’t advocate for being disrespectful, unkind, or unloving to anyone.
Let me put it this way…
Being a dick is just a bad idea altogether!!
I hope my point comes through: why is it that behind closed doors, at least from my experience, our level of humaneness, let’s call it, is greatly diminished, and we seem not to show up as our best selves?
It’s almost like we’re reserving it for when we go out into the external world, when we have to be on our best behaviour and put on this front, a persona to the external world.
Is this because, behind closed doors, we spend the most time with our loved ones?
So they’re most likely to see and experience all sides of us, the good and the bad (and vice versa), and through all of this, love us anyway…
And that’s what, in a way, makes them loved ones and family: their and our ability to love each other despite all of our bullshit.
I mean, let’s call it out for what it is!
Excuses, Habits, and Patterns: The Real Reasons We Fall Short
While I feel this definitely has a role to play, it also seems a bit of an excuse to say that we treat loved ones as we do because they’ll always be around. I don’t accept this and, at least from my own life, recognise that I can do 1,000 times better, if not more, in how I show up throughout all of my personal relationships.
I’ve fallen from grace many times, and it’s something I’m very conscious of, because I believe it’s our loved ones and family who are to receive the best of us, yet often end up receiving the worst, whether that’s taking things too personally, reacting instead of responding, or overall not being very thoughtful.
We can all improve within this area of our lives, which, at least from my experience, is so hard to navigate. Maybe this is because, like many of us, I put a lot of pressure on myself and aim to continuously be better, and better, and better!
I feel there’s definitely something here that’s worth all of us looking at if we want to live our best lives possible with the people who mean the most to us.
Because here’s the thing…
The Hard Truth About Family and Time
Just because someone is a loved one or family member doesn’t mean they’re going to put up with our bullshit forever, and vice versa. This doesn’t mean that we’re going to put up with their bullshit forever, either.
And I think, oftentimes, many of us forget this because families are always around, and we’re so rooted in our habits, behaviours, and patterns that we become complacent in our personal relationships, thinking that, whether it’s our spouse, parent, or sibling, they will be around for eternity.
The truth is, they won’t…
Whether they get fed up with our bullshit and leave, decide to spend less time with us, or, worst case, die before we recognise just how much of a dick we’ve been to them, before it’s too late for us to right our wrongs… at the end of the day, we and they will be gone at some point.
Let me put it this way…
None of us is getting out of here alive!
And so, while we’re here, isn’t it a good idea to make the most of this crazy thing called life with the people we love and care for the most, including being conscious of how we’re treating them most of the time, to live our best lives possible?
There’s an emphasis on how we treat others, because this is the main thing we can all control. We can’t control what others do or say; we can only control what we do and say. Therefore, personal responsibility always comes first!
Sure, we can set and have standards for how we want to be treated.
And I’d advocate for these…
It’s often the lack of personal standards and values that allows others to walk all over us because we’ve enabled them to, whether they consciously mean to or not.
Again, we’re all guilty of this to some degree. It seems to be part of the human condition because we all fall or rise to the quality of our habits, patterns, and behaviours.
It Starts With Us
At the end of the day, this is all a roundabout way of saying that it’s a very good idea for every one of us, including myself, to look at how we show up in our personal relationships and with our loved ones, and identify where we can be doing better, not from a pressure standpoint (although, if you’re like me, you naturally put a lot of pressure on yourself), but more for the purpose of connecting deeper with others, enjoying better-quality loving relationships, elevating our own personal growth, and ultimately, living our best life possible with the people we love and care for the most.
And surely, that’s what life is, at least partly, about…
Experiencing life together, navigating all of the ups and downs with our loved ones by our sides.
It’s something to think about, that’s for sure, because I believe we can all be doing better.
Myself included.
It starts with us.
The Key Takeaways on How We Treat Loved Ones
- Public vs. Private Behaviour: You might notice you put on your ‘best self’ for strangers and acquaintances, showing more patience and kindness than you do with family behind closed doors.
- The Familiarity Factor: Psychology suggests that the more time you spend with someone, the more your guard comes down, which can unfortunately, lead to diminished tolerance and quicker reactions.
- Habits and Complacency: It’s easy to fall into patterns of behaviour, thinking your loved ones will always be there to put up with your ‘bullshit’. This complacency can damage the relationships that matter most.
- The Reality of Time: A crucial truth is that no one is here forever. Recognising this can motivate you to treat your family and loved ones with the care they deserve before it’s too late.
- Personal Responsibility is Key: You can only control your own actions and reactions. Improving your relationships starts with looking at how you show up and taking responsibility for being better.
FAQs for Behind Closed Doors: The Truth About How We Treat Loved Ones
Why do I have less patience with my family than with strangers?
It’s a common phenomenon. When you’re with loved ones, your guard is down, and the social ‘persona’ you might use in public disappears. This familiarity can lead to less tolerance and quicker reactions because you feel more comfortable and less judged, even if it’s not ideal.
Is it just an excuse to say we treat family differently because they’ll ‘love us anyway’?
While there’s some truth that family offers unconditional love, relying on this can become an excuse for poor behaviour. The article suggests that this mindset leads to complacency and that everyone, including you, can do much better in showing up for the people who matter most.
How can I start improving how I treat my loved ones?
The first step is taking personal responsibility. Focus on what you can control: your own actions, words, and responses. Try to be more conscious in your interactions, responding thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally.
What is the danger of taking family for granted?
The biggest danger is that time is finite. No one is guaranteed to be around forever. By taking family for granted, you risk them growing distant or, in the worst case, losing them before you have a chance to repair the relationship and show them how much you truly care.
